Anxiety, the Plague of My Existence

I’ve definitely made some headway with anxiety in the last year. Huge progress. But I’m still caught in that vicious loop of sleep deprivation worsening anxiety which in turn causes sleep deprivation.

I really fucking hate anxiety.

It’s definitely been spiking again since my husband informed me that he filed. I mean, how could it not? I’m having to borrow money for a lawyer. I don’t have a job. I’m still financially dependent on my husband, and I’ve fallen below $100 in my account and will have to ask a man that begrudges me everything for more funds well before I can take him to court to restore access.

H had to cancel our trip to Newfields the end of January as his sister rescheduled his mom’s surprise party for the same day we would have been going. I asked if he wanted to reschedule and he said sure, but then he got sick so I pushed it off, and then my husband filed for divorce and so I pushed it off again.

Just now I messaged him saying I still wanted to try and reschedule if he’s got time the end of this month or in March, and he hasn’t responded. I know he’s at work and likely just busy, but anxiety spiked through the fucking roof immediately – what if he doesn’t want to hang out and is trying to think of a way to back out, my brain whispers.

I mean, this is the man that offered to loan me the funds I need to pay for a lawyer, so he obviously sees me as a person worth some inconvenience, so why can’t I just accept that even if it turns out that he isn’t interested in anything more, he does at least appreciate me as a person and a friend? Why is it so goddamn hard to convince my brain that people will like me and want to spend time with me?

I mean I know H deals with social anxiety and is already very uncomfortable with socializing on a general level, so if there are any issues with him hanging out with me it’s more likely to be hang-ups on his end than a personal reflection of me as company, so why can’t I get my brain to believe that?

Why must the meat suit need the company of other meat suits to sustain happiness?

On days when I’m not dealing with anxiety already, I can handle this stuff. I can be brave and resilient and feel like life goes on in spite of everything, that I can pick myself up and keep going and achieve happiness and reach the point that I thrive instead of survive.

On days when I’m dealing with anxiety already, even the smallest things can send my brain screaming into worst case scenario mode and with it, my entire body goes nuts. It is so fucking unfair and so I’m here, whining and venting because goddamn WHY LIFE, JUST LET ME HAVE PEACE OKAY.

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