Unslumping

Woke up this morning and started feeling anxiety kicking back in. A and H weren't very talkative Friday, and it made me start going into an anxiety spiral of 'what if I lost them as friends?' which was so gut-twisting it made me want to scream into the void. But that put me into problem-solving … Continue reading Unslumping →

Depression Sans Anxiety

Content note: discussion of suicidal ideation. Wednesday was some of the roughest mental health shit I've dealt with to date. The day started out badly - I was already in a depressive mood early in the morning and the fact that everyone was silent made things worse. There was no chatter in my group chat … Continue reading Depression Sans Anxiety →

Never Alone but Always Alone

I used to feel pretty awkward and anxious being out in public. I felt like I was drawing too much attention, too much notice. Later, as I tried to fight my way out of severe depression and anxiety, I secretly wished I'd get noticed. I felt like I was drowning alone and it would have … Continue reading Never Alone but Always Alone →

It's Difficult To Write Right Now

I feel like I'm rather wasting an opportunity to be recording a major event in world history but I just can't seem to summon up the words most days. Yesterday Indy M messaged me asking if I'd keep her company while they moved. They would have fewer than 10 people to stay within the guidelines … Continue reading It's Difficult To Write Right Now →

Selfish Wallowing

Yeah, we're staring down the barrel of a pandemic that could kill millions and I'm over here whining about my shitty life and mental health. Oh well. I can't do anything to save anyone else and feel like I'm not doing such a good job of saving myself, so. After I wrote yesterday's blog post … Continue reading Selfish Wallowing →

Denial Of Expectations

I knew Indy M's support for my plan to ask H out on a date was spurred in part by her particular moral biases and beliefs about relationships. She falls in the camp of believing that when men and women are friends, it's nigh inevitable that someone catches feels. I think on some level, whether … Continue reading Denial Of Expectations →

Low

I'm really struggling. I feel like I exist as a place for my dreams to die. It's the opposite of helpful for people to try and be encouraging and hopeful and say that one day, things will be better, one day I'll get the things I need. Oh really? Well, I've already put nearly 40 … Continue reading Low →

Fumes

Content note: lots of depressed rambling ahead, if you don't feel like being pulled down by said rambling might want to skip. So, how am I feeling? Pretty defeated. Like I don't want that much from life, regular stuff that regular people get all the time, but for me it's unobtainable. I'd pictured rejection playing … Continue reading Fumes →

Courage

So, I'm still going out today in spite of everything. Meeting up with H at Newfields. A small part of me is panicking and saying 'somebody stop me, what am I an idiot?' because I'm still planning on asking him out after. Another part of me is... really proud of myself for doing something courageous. … Continue reading Courage →

This Is Quite A Timeline

I don't get political on this blog very often. Just a warning, I'm on the left and have nothing good to say about the current administration. I'm an LGBT+ person in a female body that grew up on the Christian right. The Christian right and their teachings combined with my parents' early brainwashing techniques conditioned … Continue reading This Is Quite A Timeline →