H introduced me to something called synthesia / black MIDIs which is basically music that builds up into cramming as many notes as possible before sanity or the computer breaks down. H likes it - I think I'd have to be very heavily caffeinated and high on life before I could actually enjoy it as … Continue reading So Many Feelings
Tag: friendship
It’s Fine Until It’s Not
[A couple of months ago I felt confident enough about where I was, mentally and emotionally, to let my group chat with my sister J, A and M know I'd been blogging. M wanted to be able to read it, so I sent her the link. M, if you're reading this, I suggest you stop … Continue reading It’s Fine Until It’s Not
Unslumping
Woke up this morning and started feeling anxiety kicking back in. A and H weren't very talkative Friday, and it made me start going into an anxiety spiral of 'what if I lost them as friends?' which was so gut-twisting it made me want to scream into the void. But that put me into problem-solving … Continue reading Unslumping
Denial Of Expectations
I knew Indy M's support for my plan to ask H out on a date was spurred in part by her particular moral biases and beliefs about relationships. She falls in the camp of believing that when men and women are friends, it's nigh inevitable that someone catches feels. I think on some level, whether … Continue reading Denial Of Expectations
Fumes
Content note: lots of depressed rambling ahead, if you don't feel like being pulled down by said rambling might want to skip. So, how am I feeling? Pretty defeated. Like I don't want that much from life, regular stuff that regular people get all the time, but for me it's unobtainable. I'd pictured rejection playing … Continue reading Fumes
Courage
So, I'm still going out today in spite of everything. Meeting up with H at Newfields. A small part of me is panicking and saying 'somebody stop me, what am I an idiot?' because I'm still planning on asking him out after. Another part of me is... really proud of myself for doing something courageous. … Continue reading Courage
Coasting
I'm really not doing too badly all things considered. Monday's anxiety was really high and I wasn't very productive, but I feel less than productive most days. I keep telling myself I'm doing amazing for someone that's been going on 3-5 hours of sleep a night as long as I have, let alone all the … Continue reading Coasting
Surviving the Plague
The plague, in this case, being anxiety. H did end up messaging me back, confirming he would still be available for a trip to Newfields. By then, my anxiety had already spiked through the roof - thanks, anxiety - so while it helped it wasn't enough to restore me to former levels. I realized that … Continue reading Surviving the Plague
Anxiety, the Plague of My Existence
I've definitely made some headway with anxiety in the last year. Huge progress. But I'm still caught in that vicious loop of sleep deprivation worsening anxiety which in turn causes sleep deprivation. I really fucking hate anxiety. It's definitely been spiking again since my husband informed me that he filed. I mean, how could it … Continue reading Anxiety, the Plague of My Existence
Sensible?
So, I posted before about how my husband tried to get me to agree to a post-nuptial, and when I refused, had sent me a text giving me two ultimatums - find somewhere to sleep other than the walk-in closet, and report on my job hunt progress by 2-1-2020 or he was going to file … Continue reading Sensible?
On A Good Day 