I Held The Line

My husband decided he couldn’t wait for the end of the month before bringing up another emotionally fraught conversation, and I held my boundaries and I called him out on his shit – repeatedly – until HE fled the conversation that he insisted on starting. Now he’s wandering around the house looking like death, because he emotionally wrecked HIMSELF this time!

And I started having epiphanies – I’m trying to save myself, and my husband keeps pushing my head under while he’s floundering for a way to feel better. I can save myself, but I can’t save us both. But HE can save himself! He has everything he needs – he doesn’t need ME to save himself! If I died, or walked out the door and never came back, he would still be able to save himself! He would still be able to do the work to become a whole, healthy, happy, growing person! He just has to WANT to become that, and put in the work! LIKE I AM.

Also, if me becoming a whole, healthy, happy, growing person wrecks his world – that’s HIS problem, not mine!

And while I’ve felt guilt for embarking on a relationship based on unhealthy, toxic religious beliefs, had those beliefs not been present, we simply wouldn’t have ended up together. Because we were never going to be good for each other, no matter what my religious beliefs were. Lots of people end up in relationships where they aren’t good for each other. It’s not the end of the world. We can’t fix the mistakes of the past by carrying them forward into the future, it won’t improve anything.

These realizations were such an emotional relief for me that my mood instantly shot up. I felt so happy I wanted to leave the house – go for a long drive, go dancing, something – just to have fun. And I can’t remember the last time I wanted to leave the house because I felt happy and wanted to have fun!

I knew it was probably a bad idea to actually act on that – it could exacerbate the situation, and caution is warranted – but just feeling that way was so wonderful I kind of wanted to cry, but in a good way.

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