I haven't been around much. As my life and mood improved I found I needed writing as an outlet less and less. Plus, my laptop is behaving badly and typing this out on a phone is a massive pain. Going through a high anxiety day today and having to remind myself how many good days … Continue reading High Anxiety
Tag: emotions
So Many Feelings
H introduced me to something called synthesia / black MIDIs which is basically music that builds up into cramming as many notes as possible before sanity or the computer breaks down. H likes it - I think I'd have to be very heavily caffeinated and high on life before I could actually enjoy it as … Continue reading So Many Feelings
Selfish Wallowing
Yeah, we're staring down the barrel of a pandemic that could kill millions and I'm over here whining about my shitty life and mental health. Oh well. I can't do anything to save anyone else and feel like I'm not doing such a good job of saving myself, so. After I wrote yesterday's blog post … Continue reading Selfish Wallowing
Denial Of Expectations
I knew Indy M's support for my plan to ask H out on a date was spurred in part by her particular moral biases and beliefs about relationships. She falls in the camp of believing that when men and women are friends, it's nigh inevitable that someone catches feels. I think on some level, whether … Continue reading Denial Of Expectations
Stupid Human Psyche
So, I had recently made the realization that everything related to searching for employment was causing me significant anxiety, MORE anxiety than getting divorced and currently being trapped living with my ex. Which made no sense. What was I afraid of? What was hanging out in my psyche that was making this so goddamn difficult? … Continue reading Stupid Human Psyche
How Does Everyone Live This Way?
And by 'live this way' I mean deal with human emotions all the time. Is there a way I can go back to being repressed? -sulks- This goes beyond the anger I have felt. I literally hate my husband. I wish he was dead. It's slowly sinking in that he deliberately tormented me with sleep … Continue reading How Does Everyone Live This Way?
Beaming
Yesterday there was a 2 hour school delay. This was awkward, because I was supposed to be leaving for an appointment at the recruitment agency and now my youngest wouldn't be getting on her bus until after the start time for my appointment. I had to tell my husband that I had an appointment and … Continue reading Beaming
Subsiding
I suppose it's too early to be declaring my new approach to emotional states a confirmed success, but I have to say results are more promising than I expected. This past week I gave myself permission to feel good and think of positive outcomes. Played music ranging from mellow and pleasant to cheerful and exciting. … Continue reading Subsiding
Learning to Hope
Thursday I went to see my therapist. I knew he wanted to talk about the nightmare that had caused me so many issues over the beginning of the week - I think he also wanted to see if I had reason to believe I was in any real danger from my husband. Any time people … Continue reading Learning to Hope
Incendiary
Content note: mental health, self-harm impulses, disassociation So far, 2020 feels like I've strapped myself into a roller coaster that I'm not sure has passed safety inspections. It's been a hell of a ride in just this month, I can't imagine what the next 11 are going to look like. After Sunday morning's nightmare, I … Continue reading Incendiary
On A Good Day 