I listened to melancholy, sad songs all morning. Wrote. Processed. Grieved. The weather is nice today, so I prioritized getting out for a walk and drove up to Potter’s Bridge sometime after noon. By the time I got there, I realized my mood was significantly improving.
I felt powerful. I asked myself a question, dug into my psyche, and produced an answer. I found the fear rooted in my heart and I’ve grabbed that root and I’m pulling it out in spite of the pain involved. So much of what we do is unconscious and reactive. We often don’t even know why we react the way we do or why we feel the way we do. It can feel like we’re just helplessly at the mercy of larger, unseen forces.
Well, I see the forces that were influencing me. I see why I was reacting the way I did. Now I can make deliberate choices to deal with the fear. Once I see a thing I can face it, grieve it, accept it and move on. I can acknowledge it sucks but things are the way they are and now it’s simply a matter of making the best choices available to me.
The things that were done to me, and the things that weren’t done for me, shaped me. But I can still change that shape. The people that did things they shouldn’t, the people that didn’t do things they should have – they don’t get the last word in my life. I’m here for me.