Irrationally Clingy

I heard from my attorney yesterday and she mentioned that my husband is justifying withholding funds from me to his attorney by claiming things like that I’m not going to the kids’ counseling sessions and that instead I was driving around wasting gas.

First, I was at a one day assignment for a staffing agency. I wasn’t going to tell him that, because fuck him. I guess it still surprises me when he lies, even though it turns out he was a liar all along.

Secondly, the kids have one on one counseling sessions with their therapist. Neither of us are supposed to be present IN the session. The therapist rarely has anything she even needs to bring up at the end of the sessions because our kids are smart, well-adjusted and happy. We just sit in the lobby with the kids that are waiting for their turn.

There was no formal or informal agreement that I’d be there. He just wants to control me, to have me forced to spend a morning where he can keep an eye on me and force interaction because we’re in front of the kids.

My anger went through the roof, close to max levels for me. I wasn’t sure why this, of all the things he’s done, would be enraging me so much. All I knew was that I wanted him to fall on my knife ten times. I kind of zoned out for the afternoon – lost track of time – realized it was after 5pm and I would normally have left for my class by then. There was no time to eat, now, so I just rushed to get out the door.

Traffic was awful – it took me 3 minutes to make a left turn out of my apartment complex. I was 10 minutes late, and feeling frazzled, and my brain decided that without food, it was going to be stupid. On my break I went to the car and devoured peanuts I’d left in there as a snack. I managed to get through the night okay after that.

I was still angry and upset this morning and decided to dig around in my psyche to see if I could figure out what was going on. The first thing I realized, though, was something about my husband’s psyche. I couldn’t figure out at first why he was making so much effort to get me to have to be hanging out in the lobby during the kids’ therapy sessions – and then I realized it’s because that’s really the only time he has left to try and recreate the dynamic he lost.

When I’m a passenger in his vehicle, hanging out in the lobby for 2-3 hours, going out to eat afterward, we seem to be the family unit we used to be. I always try to keep things calm and smooth for the sake of the kids. To him, it feels like he’s in control and I’m the docile object in the passenger seat – just how he wanted it.

And that, of course, is also why I reacted with such anger. Because he’s trying to force me back into the dynamic that almost killed me – put me back under his thumb.

It’s an irrational sort of clinginess, because it doesn’t serve him any more than it serves me. Forcing someone to spend time with you when they don’t want to is just… pathetically sad. Definitely not a route to happiness.

There’s some compassion to be found for him in me yet – compassion for the kid that he was, and the unmet needs and the hostile influences that shaped him into what he is now. But, like me, he could have chosen to face the trauma and the unmet needs and become healthy, and instead he chose to use and abuse me to try and get what he wanted.

My sister J wonders if he has a personality disorder. It’s possible, of course, or it’s possible he simply chose to become what hurt him, and carry that hurt forward to inflict on someone else.

At this point, all I can do is continue to protect myself however I can.

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