Coasting

I’m really not doing too badly all things considered.

Monday’s anxiety was really high and I wasn’t very productive, but I feel less than productive most days. I keep telling myself I’m doing amazing for someone that’s been going on 3-5 hours of sleep a night as long as I have, let alone all the other shit in my life right now. I was feeling pretty bad about being locked up in anxiety again so I reminded myself just because I felt that way one day didn’t mean I’d be feeling it the next.

Tuesday I was already feeling better, and had therapy scheduled. There was, of course, movie night to get through. The kids just want me physically present, though, they don’t really care if I’m paying attention to what’s being watched, so I completely ignored my husband’s presence by diving into Spotify and organizing my most recent finds into playlists – I was quite pleased with how they were shaping up and felt quite cheerful by the time I went to bed.

Wednesday morning I got sucked into a discussion in a facebook group for homeschool alumni that have left that worldview behind (or, in many cases, think they have). A woman had posted asking about adding polyamory to her marriage, as several members of the group are practicing polyamorists or have opened their marriage.

I read her post and was horrified at the marriage she unfolded. She was making excuses for her husband, not blaming him, but it was clear to me that her relationship was full of red flags and likely extremely toxic, and the only reason she was asking about polyamory was because she was craving a healthy, intimate relationship that met her needs and her husband had utterly failed her in that regard. It wasn’t about sex at all.

Unfortunately, a prominent member of the group (and at the time, a facebook friend of mine) had opened his marriage and was now losing his wife to one of her other partners, and all he saw was that the woman posting said she wasn’t sexually attracted to her husband anymore, and so he instantly sympathized with the husband and talked about how there were no perfect relationships. Holy hell, man, how bad does a relationship have to be before she’s justified in getting out?

I went through at least 10 red flags and apologized to the woman for dissecting her marriage and advocated that she get out of the marriage somehow. 12 years, 5 kids, living below the poverty line because her husband insisted on trying to start a business instead of getting a job with a reliable wage. He’d had at least 50 sexual partners before her, while she was a homeschooled virgin and he was her first everything, and then he treated her very tepidly after the marriage, and didn’t do even the baseline stuff a parent should do for their kids and partner. Honestly, her relationship sounded even more dysfunctional and toxic than mine.

Dude losing his wife doubled down on his terribleness, judging me for telling her to get out and trying to shame her into staying. I ended up unfriending and blocking him because he’d revealed himself to be a self-centered, projecting and toxic person. One of those faux woke leftists that reveal they’re actually just insecure and sex-obsessed.

Hilariously, when I got home from math, M (Indy) had shared a screenshot with me – she’s in the group and also friends with the guy, and he’d posted twice about getting blocked, the second one saying I’d done it to punish him, that he’d spent half an hour thinking about how little he cares about it, etc. etc. It was almost parody. Maybe this is a new career for me – punish men by unfriending and blocking them on social media. That’ll be $200 for the pain and suffering, you’re welcome.

Overall, I haven’t done too badly this week on the mental health front, all things considered. I woke up this morning in a bit of a funk, having trouble feeling hopeful. In just over two weeks I’m supposed to hang out with H and as long as I don’t chicken out at the last second, I’m going to ask him out – I’ve got to the place where I feel less despair over the idea of rejection, and most days just let myself picture him saying yes instead of diving into catastrophizing. Yesterday, though, I was talking about the situation in the group, shared the post, my response and the response from the dude I blocked, and H had made the comment that hearing about other people’s relationships made him feel glad he’s single.

That definitely made me feel a little crestfallen, but I also knew better than to take the statement too seriously. H has talked about dating apps before and how terrible they are. He’s just got too much social anxiety to approach anyone, so saying he’s happy single is, I believe, similar to him saying he hates cooking. He doesn’t hate cooking, he’s a total foodie, as A put it. A and I are pretty sure he’s been depressed and that the statement was because of that. I’ve noticed lately there’s been more talk about the foods he’s making without being accompanied by statements that he hates it, and I’ve been hoping that’s a sign his depression might be getting a little better.

I think he’s very lonely and doesn’t want to acknowledge it – which I’m not saying as a “maybe he’s so lonely he’ll jump at me!” sort of thing. He’s not that kind of person – if he can’t picture himself in a relationship with me, he’ll choose continued loneliness (which, in my opinion, is the healthier response anyway).

Overall, other than the employment issue, I feel like I’m continuing to survive and on the road to thriving. I’m being able to wrap my head around the idea of hope and shaping life into something that benefits me and gives me pleasure instead of being at the mercy of suffering and circumstance.

Now if I could just get my head wrapped around something like that when it comes to employment.

2 thoughts on “Coasting

  1. Hello, I don’t know the backstory having only read your recent posts but, regarding, asking that guy out – I would say, go for it. I know it’s easy to say but, I think, if you do it out of genuine feeling then you won’t regret it. Of course, there is a risk of rejection which would hurt and could make things uncomfortable but you will, long-term, be glad – because you expressed a sincere and caring feeling. PS. I’m not a relationship expert!

    Liked by 1 person

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