So, I posted before about how my husband tried to get me to agree to a post-nuptial, and when I refused, had sent me a text giving me two ultimatums – find somewhere to sleep other than the walk-in closet, and report on my job hunt progress by 2-1-2020 or he was going to file for divorce. He put $120 in the joint account at that time, for ‘job searching or moving preparation,’ bringing me to a whole $238. Not sure how he expected me to prepare to move on $238. I decided there was nothing to be gained by capitulating – if I agreed to any of his demands, he’d just keep on making demands.

Instead I contacted local lawyers, learned I was probably thoroughly screwed due to lack of funds, and was absolutely floored to have H offer to spot me an emergency loan if my husband carried through with his threat, which would at least get me to a provisional hearing and restore my access to funds.

I started keeping tabs to see if my husband filed. Nothing. I assumed he’d likely wait until February, but wanted to be monitoring just in case I was wrong.

I talked to a mutual friend of ours – G – that I’ve known almost two decades. I know my husband has been in contact with him but don’t know exactly what’s been said, and I just didn’t want him to be putting forth a narrative that made him look like a put-upon victim and me as the fiend dragging his heart through the muck. So I told G that it seemed likely we were going to end up in a court battle, which hadn’t been how I’d been hoping things would go. G seemed to think that taking control of the finances had just been sensible on my husband’s part, which hurt. I would never have done that to my husband and my intention to divorce him doesn’t justify him treating me badly.

But, G also seemed to think my husband wanted to help me get set up in my own place, according to when he’d last talked to my husband, somewhere near the end of December / beginning of January. I was highly skeptical of any such attitude on my husband’s part, but told G I’d try talking to him and see if it went anywhere. G said he could talk to my husband, too, if need be, but I wanted to try on my own and see exactly how the conversation went.

The conversation went in circles. My husband sulked, claiming he’d already offered to help me and that I’d turned him down. That’s not how that went of course – he tried to convince me to move out, and wouldn’t answer as to how long I could expect him to pay rent on a 2nd place, so I decided it wouldn’t be safe to take him up on that offer and declined. That was when he tried to kick me out, back in October, thinking that I was wanting to file early and that if I wanted to file early, something must have happened that I wasn’t telling him about.

How ironic that by the end of December, he decided he wanted to file early.

I tried to suggest mediation, again, and he responded with things that indicated he had no idea what mediation was for or how it worked, and basically declared he was completely unwilling to do anything to help me and that it would all have to be part of the divorce process. He once again tried to find out what I was wanting in the divorce, and I told him I’d only discuss that as part of mediation and that was where the conversation ended.

I told G my conversation didn’t get anywhere, my husband was uninterested in helping me move out and it was likely to proceed to a court battle and that he didn’t need to bother saying anything on my behalf – it is what it is. Apparently G decided to talk to him about it, anyway, and got a similar (though presumably nicer) response that my husband wanted it to be part of the divorce process. Well, I tried, right?

I continued checking on week days to see if my husband filed, but nothing came up. I started to wonder if he’d overplayed his hand – he doesn’t like lawyers and had wanted to file without them, in part to avoid how much he’d have to pay them. Perhaps he still didn’t want to get a lawyer, but disliked the idea of having to fill out all the paperwork on his own. It might be slowing him down.

And then last night I got a text from my husband with the name of a local mediator that had been recommended to him, wanting me to get back to him as to if she’d be acceptable or if I had any other suggestions. You could have knocked me over with a feather – was my husband being… sensible, finally?

I know my husband care’s about G’s opinion, so maybe the conversation had done more good than I thought. Maybe he decided to try and make the process less antagonistic so he wouldn’t look like an ass. I googled the mediator in question and found out she’s got a background in family law / family court, and has been a mediator for over two decades. Reviews were positive.

I didn’t see how my husband could manipulate this in any way that didn’t involve him pointlessly wasting money to spite me while spiting himself in the process, so this morning I messaged him that she looked like a good choice, and he responded that he’d let me know what date he was able to get us scheduled to see her. Again, you could knock me over with a feather. Has he finally put 2 and 2 together that if I’m talking about moving out, I’m not planning some kind of coup where I file for divorce and kick him out while taking custodial parent away from him?

I honestly don’t know how this is going to go, and if we’ll be able to get anywhere without my husband reverting to spiteful, malicious attempts to punish and control me. I’d like to think he’s actually being sensible, but I’m skeptical. At the very least, now a professional will be involved, and one I don’t have to pay for. It’s worth a shot.

2 thoughts on “Sensible?

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