Revisiting My Goals

I wrote a list on July 12th, 2019 and published it on this blog the following day.

Priorities:

Sleep (regular, long enough, restful)

Environment (uncluttered and clean enough)

Social life (hobbies I enjoy where I can meet people and hopefully make friends, plus meeting people I know face-to-face)

Employment (wardrobe, make-up, managing anxiety, training/certification, pays enough)

Exploration (getting out of the house & seeing new places, exercise)

It’s been over 6 months.

Sleep is still terrible, but I haven’t lost an entire night of sleep in a while. I’m still working on improving it – lately I’ve downloaded Insight Timer on e.v.‘s recommendation, and have started to explore adding meditation at bedtime, or when I wake up at 3 or 4am and need to try to fall back to sleep. I’m also trying melatonin. I tried benadryl and that did not go well.

Environment I’m keeping small and narrowly focused on my own things. I’ll do bits of cleaning around the apartment but I don’t make it a focus. I do my own laundry, and I try to make sure that I get things folded and put away and hung up instead of waiting. Other than trying to establish decent habits in regards my own tiny space and my own things, this one is largely on hold until I get my own place.

Social life – this is going decently. M (Indy) and I have hit it off well enough that now she’ll invite me over so I don’t feel like I’m the only one reaching out. I’ll be going over Monday, in fact, for lunch. I have a weekly D&D game and the group I play with seem like decent human beings I wouldn’t mind hanging out with outside of the game – perhaps at some point I’ll see if any of them are interested in a non-game social gathering.

Employment – I’m still working on my wardrobe, but I’m slowly getting that into shape. I’ve discovered I’m going to have to avoid make-up for the time being, BUT my skin has been doing so much better! For months now I’ve been doing a cold wash with plain water 2x a day, and more recently I stopped using even moisturizer except sparingly on very rare occasions, and the inflammation and breakouts have smoothed away almost entirely! Training and certification – well, I’ve been through the workshops for making a resume, for Excel, Word and Powerpoint, and I’m attending an ABE class to increase my math skills.

Managing anxiety specific to employment and reentering the workforce has been difficult, but getting to the point that I’m making some progress with reducing anxiety -in general- has also diminished anxiety related to the employment process. I’ve managed to get a couple of resumes, cover letters & applications submitted, and signed up with a recruitment agency that I’ll interview with next Thursday.

Exploration – yeah I’ve done well with this one. I’ve explored a bit of Indy, visited the Garfield Park Conservatory, gone through Pogue’s Run, visited multiple cemeteries in search of tree stump gravestones, visited local parks and trails where I’ve done a lot of walking, and taken late night drives around the countryside, including photographing Christmas lights in Elwood, IN. I’ve gone up to South Bend to see R, and down to Evansville to see C. I’ve taken two solo trips to TN and done a bit of exploring while there, too. I’m currently somewhat trapped due to lack of funds, but there’s less to do in the winter anyway.

To an outsider, this may not seem like a lot to accomplish in 6 months. Maybe they’d agree with my husband and see me as a freeloading slacker. I know where I was a year and a half ago, though, and where I was a year ago, and where I was 6 months ago, and how much effort went into what I’ve accomplished in the last 6 months. Not only have I dealt with my husband’s asshole behavior and attempts to regain control of me, I know I’ve been suicidal, had panic attacks, lived with continued and constant sleep deprivation, had to deal with health issues like an overactive uterus and neck strain, and still made visible progress on all fronts.

So I’m choosing to celebrate and be proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished and continue to accomplish.

One thought on “Revisiting My Goals

  1. I hope that Insight Timer works for you.

    About employing anxiety – recruitment is an inherently anxiety inducing thing, even for people without anxiety problems in general! It’s possibly a long process (although that’s unpredictable) and can be disheartening . When I was going through it, my counsellor pointed out to me that it’s a really big thing to put yourself out there to be judged by other people and to try to convince them of your worth. I think that’s a good way to look at it – making the initial moves, sending the applications and writing covering letters, is emotionally difficult and is a big achievement in itself.

    Liked by 1 person

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