Literal nightmare.

I decided I’d focus yesterday around maintaining my good mood, and succeeded. It stayed good or pleasant the whole way through. Every time my brain would try to bring up a topic that was something that would hurt me or make me anxious I gently pushed it away or treated it with calm consideration. I was concerned that I was doing nothing to be productive but thought of letting my brain stay in this good headspace as a kind of exercise. Maybe letting it experience this as long as I could would lead to improved chances at having and sustaining good moods in the future.

I’d been hoping maybe it would lead to a night of improved sleep to have gone so long without any major anxiety spike.

I woke up at 3am. I didn’t feel like letting that get me down too much though. I set my phone back down after checking the time and attempted to fall back to sleep, which worked. I rather wish it hadn’t, now.

I had a dream that my husband and I took the kids to a camping retreat. While there, with the kids occupied elsewhere, he started to follow me around. He was obviously intentionally being a looming, threatening presence, and I got the distinct impression he wanted to get violent – specifically, that he wanted to rape me. I was so scared and chilled that I actually went and found the kids and told them we had to leave – they were reluctant to believe that we needed to leave, but I did convince them to come with me.

For some reason we ended up back at the retreat, thinking my husband had left, only to find that he was there and had been waiting for us. There were other people around now, though, and so all he could was be that looming, threatening presence, but in a way where only I knew he was doing it. This part was a little confusing – I had the kids settle in to sleep somewhere and I’m not sure if he knew where they were or not. Because he couldn’t enact the violence he wanted he was cruel, vindictive and malicious instead – including telling me a quick story that implied he’d hooked up with a prostitute while on a business trip out of the country (side note: he’s never gone on a business trip outside the country so my brain was definitely making that shit up.)

I was trying to flee him again and realized the retreat was a company retreat. My husband found me again and was making sure I was aware of his looming presence (the one that no one else could pick up on) and I had a dish of strawberries in my hand and threw them at him – only to realize the person walking next to him was his boss (dream boss, never met the real one), which promptly made me fear maybe I’d get him fired and then the kids would be in poverty. Then I reassured myself his boss would probably just think I was crazy and commiserate with my husband.

Overall, the dream was simply full of the sense that my husband really wanted to hurt me. I woke up to find that 4am and anxiety had found me again. I went to the chat with A & H, not expecting either of them to be awake but just to vent, and found I’d missed a conversation.

Long-time friends of H’s family were trying to set him up with their daughter’s friend (after having, apparently, tried to set him up with both of their daughters in past years.) At any other point I might have been able to be amused by that, but coming on the heels of a nightmare that left me in a state of severe anxiety, it just ratcheted my anxiety higher.

I don’t think I’ve ever come right out and admitted on this blog that H is the person I unexpectedly fell in love with last year (I’m guessing it could be pieced together by anyone that cared to try). It was very inconvenient because I was pretty sure my chances of having that reciprocated weren’t very high. I was, in fact, fairly sure that even if he ended up being attracted to me he’d talk himself out of it because he wouldn’t see me as a logical choice.

When the feelings first popped up, I was still prepared to ignore them and give my marriage one last shot, because that’s the kind of person I am. The decision to definitely end the marriage was separate from the feelings. I haven’t said anything to H and don’t intend to say anything to him while this is ongoing. It’s one of my favorite friendships and I wouldn’t want to make things awkward if he wasn’t interested.

I was pretty sure when I was finally free to say something, I’d get shot down, but I was going to have to say something anyway if I didn’t want to sit on the feelings for years (either they have to get reciprocated or they have to feel the burn of rejection so they can start dying, or they’re just going to hang around for ages.)

Yesterday, though, I confessed to A that I no longer thought it was hopeless. If someone had asked about it earlier on, I’d have said without hesitation that I was going to get rejected, but now I felt like maybe I actually had a chance – and I wasn’t sure if it was intuition or false hope. I didn’t want my brain to be setting me up to think I had a chance and then nope, SHOT DOWN IN FLAMING WRECKAGE. To which A had responded that she didn’t think it was hopeless either, tbh. I said I didn’t know what to do with hope.

Today we were supposed to be hanging out, but his sister moved the date of his mom’s surprise birthday party and so he had to cancel and is out of town at his family’s. Yesterday one of the fears I’d had to squash was that H’s family would be using this weekend to try to set him up with someone and sure enough. While in the good mood I’d been able to be calm about it and stop anxiety from kicking off. If H met someone that made him happy and it wasn’t me, at least I could take comfort in the fact that he was happy.

Having that fear actually confirmed – followed by him saying that he didn’t squelch the idea straight out because his mom was really excited about it – after having a massive anxiety spike makes it impossible to feel like it’s anything other than another waking nightmare.

I’m betting his sister moved the date of the party on purpose so the friend they’re trying to set him up with could be there this weekend, and I bet he’s going to meet her tomorrow and fuck you, anxiety and feelings. (Technically he already met her, when he was 12 and she was around 7-8).

I might be able to talk myself into the idea that I can be happy for H if he ends up with someone else, but it was followed by the fear that if he ends up with someone else, the friendship dies. What are the odds the average woman is going to be okay with her SO having two best friends that are women?

I mean, what are the odds they’d actually produce a woman that H is attracted to and compatible with? His family and the family friends are Republican and Christian, and probably the family friend’s friend that they’re trying to set him up with as well. He’s a leftist atheist that doesn’t want kids. Surely the danger isn’t all that high, right?

It would be so much easier for me to believe that if I hadn’t had a major fucking nightmare and woke up with screaming anxiety. Fucking brain, fucking life.

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