Fluctuation

Anxiety and depression are a vicious circle.

I woke up this morning feeling sad, and I can’t wake up feeling sad without my brain immediately spiraling out into anxiety as well.

Is this the beginning of the end? Does waking up sad this morning signal that I’ll wake up sad the next 700 mornings too?

I’m hyper-sensitized to sadness, and only a little less so to happiness. When the latter arrives, curls up in my lap and starts purring, I freeze, afraid to move for fear I’ll chase it away.

And while in the process of writing this my crush messaged me with a link to a youtube video they thought I’d enjoy, and it was earlier in the morning than I would have thought I’d hear from them if I heard from them at all, and happy chemicals immediately started pushing the sadness away. I get it brain. I know why you did this to me. You still suck.

Just like that, anxiety smooths, too, because now I have the evidence I need that this morning’s sadness is not the signal that hundreds of mornings to follow will start with sadness, too.

Brains and bodies and the complicated interplay of events, environment and biochemical processes are fascinating and I wish our science was more advanced on the subject. If my brain recovers enough that I feel I could handle the coursework involved, I think I’d look into medical research as a potential career choice, even though doing so in my 40s would no doubt be a bit of an oddity.

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