Been trying to sleep for over an hour now. Instead of getting sleepy, I’m dealing with intense loneliness.

I think my internal landscape is getting altered so much, so quickly, that I don’t feel like myself.

I’ve spent most of my married life feeling touched out and wishing my children and husband would touch me less. Now, not only am I craving someone I can’t have, I’m craving their physical touch and… this has never been something I’ve had to deal with.

I’m rather infamous among friends and family for not wanting to be touched and being able to do just fine without hugs, thank you, no matter how many memes are being passed around talking about the importance of hugs. Now I would really love even just a hug from one particular person.

Is this more what it’s like for the average person? Is this why pairing up is so goddamn important to people? Because if so this hurts and I don’t like it and I’m feeling very sulky about it. I’m too old to be going through something like this for the first time ever.

I feel like it would be easier for me to deal with this if I just had an actual community, still – people that were my people, that I shared hobbies with, that I enjoyed spending time with and could actually see in person.

I haven’t had even a small community like that in five years, now, not since leaving Florida for Illinois. So I’m sitting here craving someone I can’t have, missing friends that are hundreds of miles away, feeling alienated from my family and my husband – intense loneliness.

Fuck being human. This sucks.

6 thoughts on “Sulking

  1. This is your mind playing tricks with you. Honestly, it sounds like your mind is playing ‘the grass is always greener’ game on you. Not saying the loneliness isn’t real, just saying that it’s being exacerbated in moments of weakness like this.

    There’s not really much you can do beyond hanging on for dear life. Sending love and light from afar.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There’s no green grass at all. -chuckles-

      My relationship with my husband isn’t something that can be repaired. It was fundamentally flawed from the beginning. My brain is only ‘playing tricks on me’ in the sense of trying to compel me to leave a toxic situation faster, when there’s nowhere I can go that wouldn’t make my life significantly worse right now.

      Even without having fallen for someone else, it would take a miracle to provide my husband and I with a way to move forward that was healthy for both of us – and I don’t believe in miracles.


  2. I think there’s a specific type of loneliness that I feel that’s connected to being without a partner, and it’s more intertwined with the physical – comfort, a shoulder to lean on, sex, etc. And it’s a loneliness made much keener because everyone else is happily shacked up or paired off, and there’s a fear that you won’t find the same (but your single friends will). I imagine it’s the same when you’re stuck in an unhappy relationship, except with additional strain at having to put up a pretense.
    Completely with you on the ‘this sucks.’

    Liked by 1 person

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