Been trying to sleep for over an hour now. Instead of getting sleepy, I’m dealing with intense loneliness.
I think my internal landscape is getting altered so much, so quickly, that I don’t feel like myself.
I’ve spent most of my married life feeling touched out and wishing my children and husband would touch me less. Now, not only am I craving someone I can’t have, I’m craving their physical touch and… this has never been something I’ve had to deal with.
I’m rather infamous among friends and family for not wanting to be touched and being able to do just fine without hugs, thank you, no matter how many memes are being passed around talking about the importance of hugs. Now I would really love even just a hug from one particular person.
Is this more what it’s like for the average person? Is this why pairing up is so goddamn important to people? Because if so this hurts and I don’t like it and I’m feeling very sulky about it. I’m too old to be going through something like this for the first time ever.
I feel like it would be easier for me to deal with this if I just had an actual community, still – people that were my people, that I shared hobbies with, that I enjoyed spending time with and could actually see in person.
I haven’t had even a small community like that in five years, now, not since leaving Florida for Illinois. So I’m sitting here craving someone I can’t have, missing friends that are hundreds of miles away, feeling alienated from my family and my husband – intense loneliness.
Fuck being human. This sucks.