Catch-22

I didn’t want my therapist to agree with me that my situation was a catch-22.

I wanted her to spot something I’d missed.

But she didn’t.

My husband’s toxic habits along with the timing of his major life decisions are the reason I’m a wreck.

He’s the biggest source of stress in my life.

—

I’m so stressed that I’ve developed a twitch in my left eyelid that mostly seems to happen when he’s nearby and talking to me.

I’m so tense in my every day existence I have trouble relaxing enough to urinate. (TMI, but there you go.)

I’m showing signs of having developed an auto-immune disorder (something often triggered by stress.)

My physical strength and stamina have waned significantly. I’m experiencing a lot of fatigue.

—

I’m completely dependent on my husband.

If I were to walk away from the relationship right now I’d have no car, no job/income, no home, no healthcare, no degree.

There’s been no infidelity, no intentional abuse. He gives every impression of wanting to save the marriage.

The way so many people worship the institution of marriage and think the marriage is more important than the people in it, I’d probably look like the bad guy for just wanting to end said marriage instead of continuing to ‘work on it,’ even though working on it is killing me.

—

I told him I needed emotional distance while processing all the things that were floating to the surface during this period of convalescence.

I needed to use what little energy I had to focus on my own healing.

His response has been to intensify efforts to reinforce and rebuild the bond between us.

I can’t burn this bridge while I’m standing on it.