Denial Of Expectations

I knew Indy M’s support for my plan to ask H out on a date was spurred in part by her particular moral biases and beliefs about relationships. She falls in the camp of believing that when men and women are friends, it’s nigh inevitable that someone catches feels. I think on some level, whether or not she’d acknowledge it, she disapproved of my relationship with H. She saw it as holding both of us back – we had an intimate connection that was going nowhere. H wasn’t learning to interact with the world and seek out a girlfriend, and I was hung up on someone that probably didn’t want me for a proper relationship. We were too close, and not close enough.

So she was sympathetic when I said I’d been shot down, but almost cheerfully responded that “now I could move on.”

Because that’s what people think I’m supposed to do. My friend J said she was ‘sure it would happen for me someday’ and Colorado M said it would hurt but I’d get over it and Colorado A said maybe I’d meet someone at my new job – she met her husband working at a grocery store!

All of that, frankly, hurt. It made me feel incredibly dismissed. They’re just emotions, they’ll go away, they’ll come back for someone else. -shrug- Just stop feeling what you’re feeling.

Yeah, well, random chance DID throw someone at me. Threw us together in a way that would almost make me believe it couldn’t just be coincidence. And that didn’t turn out well now, did it?

Fuck moving on. There’s no point.

H and I will continue to have the same friendship we had. I’m still going to hang out with him. Share an emotional connection. Being stuck together and holding each other back because why not?

Seriously, why not? I’m supposed to just kill my emotions so I can be available for random chance? Because that’s what I’m supposed to do? Because it’s what’s expected of me?

Screw it. If this is vice and self-harm, I’m accepting it. I’ve denied myself all the other vices and self-harms, in favor of good, healthy choices and lifestyle change and it’s not done a damned thing for me other than make me keenly aware of what I’m missing, what I can’t have, what I can’t reach. It’s made me more alive to my suffering.

They’re my emotions, and I’m not letting anyone else tell me what to do with them.

If random chance throws someone at H that he just can’t resist, I can work on distancing myself and murdering my emotions at that point in time.

I’m not going to lower my standards. I’m very picky. H is the smartest person I know, and I love that. Just about anything I bring up, he’ll know at least a little something about it – but it goes beyond that. He’s got great critical thinking skills and bases his opinions on available data and concrete facts. He’s got a grim, sarcastic sense of humor which is my favorite type of humor. Most importantly – he’s also humble and very kind. A lot of guys as smart as H end up being egotistical assholes.

I’m never bored with H, and that is really fucking important to me. I also don’t feel unsafe, patronized or dismissed. I’ve had a personal bubble my whole life that makes me want people to stay at arm’s length, and with H that bubble disappears. I actually wish he’d touch me – I’d probably be over the moon just to get a hug or have him hold my hand.

We share religious and political beliefs, which is nice because I’d have a really hard time dating someone religious, and there’s no way in HELL I’d date someone on the right.

Physically he’s not really conventionally attractive but he’s got the cute, shy nerd thing going on and I love that, too. He carries himself with quiet confidence and good posture, and to be honest that’s a big deal for me. Bad posture and obvious insecurity are both things that, well, repel me when it comes to a possible romantic partner. I also like his smile, eyes, facial structure, and laugh.

H may be messed up, but he is a high caliber human, and that’s what really matters to me. I’d go to extra effort for H, because he’s worth it. I’m not going to effort for an average person. I’m not settling for less than high caliber. So random chance is going to have to throw another person of that caliber my way or I’m not bothering. I’m not moving on without a reason to move on – and other people’s expectations and beliefs about what I should do aren’t a reason.

In the meantime, pain means you’re alive, right? 😛

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