H introduced me to something called synthesia / black MIDIs which is basically music that builds up into cramming as many notes as possible before sanity or the computer breaks down. H likes it – I think I’d have to be very heavily caffeinated and high on life before I could actually enjoy it as opposed to finding it an interesting curiosity.
It is, however, a good illustration of how emotions are working for me right now.
So, I still have feelings for H. And of course the pain of that not having worked out. Apparently the meat suit decided I had room for additional feelings, though, and I’ve developed a crush on my boss. It lacks the intensity of how hard I fell for H, thankfully, and it doesn’t include any of the awkward extra feelings like ‘this is one of my best friends and will I ruin the friendship if I say something?’ and ‘one of my very best friends had a thing for this person for years and will I ruin that friendship if I say anything?’ (It should be noted fortunately both friendships withstood me saying something and we still have our regular group chats which are awesome and a lifeline for me.)
Next are layered in the feelings engendered by life during COVID-19 and how surreal that is.
Then, of course, there’s apparently straight up fear. I’m not feeling depression or anxiety when it comes to my divorce and my ex, I’m just dealing with actual fear which is a very strange thing for me. Anxiety and fear aren’t the same thing to me at all and fear is something I just haven’t felt a whole lot as an adult. Mostly when faced with the prospect of child birth. I suppose, in a way, I’m giving birth to a new life and it feels like the new life could kill me but failing to give birth to the new life could kill me, too, so I guess I see the similarities.
And on top of all that? I’m still able to feel… happy. Energized. Spotify found a song for me that is delightfully extra and dramatic and I love it to pieces – Leviathan by Ultra Sheriff. And I can still listen to other music I’ve got in my playlists and also find that it’s elevating my mood. The fact that it’s spring and there’s sunshine and green and wind in my hair is a mood boost, too.
I go to work and like having something I can do that doesn’t make me feel out of my depth and gives me some interaction and distraction.
And somehow all of these feelings are pretty much existing simultaneously, along with various and sundry other feelings. I’m probably human, I guess? Is this what it’s like?
I’m just kind of… existing. My future still looks like shit. But instead of existing in the depression and anxiety of that shitty future, I’m just… living. Existing in the present in a way I don’t normally achieve.
I’m not sure what to make of it. Is this continued healing? Becoming whole? Or is this just reactive cushioning to overwhelming circumstances? I’m grateful either way, I guess.