I was about to walk out the door to go meet M and have lunch at her place when my husband stopped me and told me he filed for divorce and that it should show up in the system today. So much for mediation. I told him the point of mediation was to do it … Continue reading Reverting To Form
Sensible?
So, I posted before about how my husband tried to get me to agree to a post-nuptial, and when I refused, had sent me a text giving me two ultimatums - find somewhere to sleep other than the walk-in closet, and report on my job hunt progress by 2-1-2020 or he was going to file … Continue reading Sensible?
Revisiting My Goals
I wrote a list on July 12th, 2019 and published it on this blog the following day. Priorities:Sleep (regular, long enough, restful)Environment (uncluttered and clean enough)Social life (hobbies I enjoy where I can meet people and hopefully make friends, plus meeting people I know face-to-face)Employment (wardrobe, make-up, managing anxiety, training/certification, pays enough)Exploration (getting out of … Continue reading Revisiting My Goals
All Real Numbers
My therapist and I were talking about choice and what I want again today. He sounded less sure that I should go ahead and tell H about my feelings. He mentioned the dreaded word 'rebound' which I admit makes me feel very defensive. Talked about how we don't give ourselves time to develop friendships but … Continue reading All Real Numbers
Subsiding
I suppose it's too early to be declaring my new approach to emotional states a confirmed success, but I have to say results are more promising than I expected. This past week I gave myself permission to feel good and think of positive outcomes. Played music ranging from mellow and pleasant to cheerful and exciting. … Continue reading Subsiding
Learning to Hope
Thursday I went to see my therapist. I knew he wanted to talk about the nightmare that had caused me so many issues over the beginning of the week - I think he also wanted to see if I had reason to believe I was in any real danger from my husband. Any time people … Continue reading Learning to Hope
Incendiary
Content note: mental health, self-harm impulses, disassociation So far, 2020 feels like I've strapped myself into a roller coaster that I'm not sure has passed safety inspections. It's been a hell of a ride in just this month, I can't imagine what the next 11 are going to look like. After Sunday morning's nightmare, I … Continue reading Incendiary
What Are The Odds?
I was thinking tonight how if I still believed in some kind of spiritual existence I'd have to assume that either H and I were meant to be together, OR the universe really has it in for him and wants to give him drama whether he will or no. We "met" online in 2012ish. I'd … Continue reading What Are The Odds?
Eliminating Fear
Additional thoughts following posting Resolute: I've got another bead on how this helps me and how I transform the experience from something that feels negative and that induces sickening levels of anxiety. This is about eliminating fear and anxiety. I've been fearing rejection ever since I faced the fact that I had feelings for H. … Continue reading Eliminating Fear
Resolute
I can do this. I can do hard things. I've made a life-long practice of doing hard things and being courageous. I'm having to give myself this pep-talk because I'm currently in something of a triggered state. Here's the background for that. I was thinking about the whole situation with H and how these random … Continue reading Resolute
On A Good Day 