What Are The Odds?

I was thinking tonight how if I still believed in some kind of spiritual existence I’d have to assume that either H and I were meant to be together, OR the universe really has it in for him and wants to give him drama whether he will or no.

We “met” online in 2012ish. I’d joined a forum for homeschool alumni at my sister J’s urging. A and H were on there, too, though H wasn’t participating much by then. Many of us ended up migrating to Facebook, where J started a group for homeschool alumni that was meant to be a place where we could be silly, or chill, or Intensely Serious as we felt. Eventually A, H and I were all part of the admin/mod team. A had started out as J’s friend, and H had started out as A’s friend. J was in Tennessee, A was in Missouri, and I was in Florida. I’m not sure where H was at the time.

A and I ended up developing a much closer friendship. I eventually found out she was into H and that he’d turned her down. By then H and I were Facebook friends, I think, and I liked him well enough but still thought of him as A’s friend. I ended up leaving Florida for Illinois in 2014. I don’t know what the timeline looked like for H but he spent time in Indiana and Ohio, working on his degree. It was 2016 when we started to become actual friends. I was posting lengthy political screeds on Facebook and being quite public about it. H, quiet and reserved and not wanting to stir up trouble with his conservative family, seemed to appreciate my political rants.

We started chatting now and then, mostly about politics, world events and random non-personal shit, but the conversations were enjoyable and I did get enough of a glimpse of the person behind the messenger chats for him to become one of my favorite people and favorite friends. It literally never occurred to me that there could be any danger of falling for him. In my head, he kind of belonged to A even if they were just very good friends and he’d never reciprocated her interest. I was married and the idea of ending the marriage was unthinkable to me at that time. I was pretty damn blind to the flaws in my relationship.

In 2017, H moved to Indy. In 2018, I sprained my ankle and after months of resting, surfaced from my depression with a determination to do something about my mental health. Early in 2019 my husband found out his office would be closing and we’d need to transfer to another state. I put my foot down over changes that needed to happen and my marriage began to quietly shred. We could have ended up in Spokane, WA, or Dallas, TX, or Indianapolis, IN. (We even considered leaving his company and trying somewhere like Columbus, OH or Albuquerque, NM.) It was almost Texas – that’s the office my husband was interested in, but he got Indiana instead.

Indiana was where I wanted. Not because H was there but because there would be more job opportunities and cheaper cost of living for me. When I’d first said I needed change from my husband, I hadn’t been planning or thinking of divorce if he couldn’t get his insomnia and hoarding under control – simply living apart from him for the sake of my mental health. As time went on I started to feel, with dismay, that divorce might be on the horizon. I didn’t want to be somewhere it would be difficult for me to live on my own, so Indiana was my top choice.

It was a huge fucking surprise to realize one day, heading towards the middle of 2019, that when H’s name popped up in messenger, my heart felt like it was turning over in my chest. It was an even bigger surprise – and a severely anxiety inducing one – to realize I had feelings for H I hadn’t even known I could feel. I’d never understood why love and attraction were such a big fucking deal to so many humans… now I knew. My reaction was basically thanks, I hate it. (But there was also a part of me that realized it seemed like it had to be nice to be in love when things actually worked out.)

Honestly, I’d have had trouble thinking of a more awkward candidate for me to fall head over heels for. By 2018 I knew I was bi. I could have fallen for A or M (TN). I could have fallen for R, or M (yet another M). But no, I had to fall for one of my best friend’s best friends that she’d had unrequited feelings for, and who I had every reason to believe wouldn’t feel anything for me, or even if he did, would reject me anyway.

So, H and I started out in Indiana and Florida, respectively. He moved to Ohio. I moved to Illinois. He moved back to Indiana, this time to Indy. H moved to Indy hoping he’d only be there a year or so before finding something better in another state. I had literally never thought of Indiana as a place I’d want to go. A couple of years later, I – and all my drama and baggage – show up in Indy, too.

What are the odds?

3 thoughts on “What Are The Odds?

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