I'm really struggling. I feel like I exist as a place for my dreams to die. It's the opposite of helpful for people to try and be encouraging and hopeful and say that one day, things will be better, one day I'll get the things I need. Oh really? Well, I've already put nearly 40 … Continue reading Low
Fumes
Content note: lots of depressed rambling ahead, if you don't feel like being pulled down by said rambling might want to skip. So, how am I feeling? Pretty defeated. Like I don't want that much from life, regular stuff that regular people get all the time, but for me it's unobtainable. I'd pictured rejection playing … Continue reading Fumes
Courage
So, I'm still going out today in spite of everything. Meeting up with H at Newfields. A small part of me is panicking and saying 'somebody stop me, what am I an idiot?' because I'm still planning on asking him out after. Another part of me is... really proud of myself for doing something courageous. … Continue reading Courage
This Is Quite A Timeline
I don't get political on this blog very often. Just a warning, I'm on the left and have nothing good to say about the current administration. I'm an LGBT+ person in a female body that grew up on the Christian right. The Christian right and their teachings combined with my parents' early brainwashing techniques conditioned … Continue reading This Is Quite A Timeline
Good News
So, the start of the morning was less-than-stellar when my husband showed up to work from home. Apparently his company is allowing people to voluntarily work from home while they decide if they need to shut down the office due to COVID-19 showing up in our state. While I was still digesting and internally freaking … Continue reading Good News
Wish Me Luck
Yesterday I had my interview with the store I applied to. It was around 60 outside, and breezy, so we sat on the table outside the store. I hate certain aspects of interviews, in particular things like 'tell us about a time when you did X.' Those aren't the memories I tend to hang on … Continue reading Wish Me Luck
Aesthetic
The Spotify algorithms recognized it before I did, but I've now become conscious of the fact that one of my main musical aesthetics is electronica that sounds influenced by 80s music and video game soundtracks. Honestly, that's kind of hilarious to me because I wasn't allowed to listen to 80s music in the 80s, and … Continue reading Aesthetic
Malleable
Yesterday had an interesting moment for me. I was not pleased about my reaction to working retail. I've worked retail before and I do know how mentally and emotionally crushing I found it, but this is not a good time for turning up my nose at available employment and I was almost as unhappy about … Continue reading Malleable
Until Use And Old Age Accept Them
I looked for the source of my fear and I found it. I determined I'd let the fear go. My brain promptly said "bitch, that anxiety was there for a reason - did you think I was being irrational? I didn't want you thinking about things that make you want to kill yourself." Domestic life … Continue reading Until Use And Old Age Accept Them
Irrationally Clingy
I heard from my attorney yesterday and she mentioned that my husband is justifying withholding funds from me to his attorney by claiming things like that I'm not going to the kids' counseling sessions and that instead I was driving around wasting gas. First, I was at a one day assignment for a staffing agency. … Continue reading Irrationally Clingy
On A Good Day 