So, I’m still going out today in spite of everything. Meeting up with H at Newfields. A small part of me is panicking and saying ‘somebody stop me, what am I an idiot?’ because I’m still planning on asking him out after. Another part of me is… really proud of myself for doing something courageous.
I know it will hurt if he turns me down, but I also know I’ve built up the resilience to handle it and that it won’t take all the flavor and joy out of life to be rejected. What it will do is remove me from a place of interminable waiting and give me a direction to go – either towards building up a new level of relationship, or accepting what I have is what I get (and it’s still a pretty special friendship to me) and being able to process and move on from wanting more than friendship.