Sleepless Again

I noticed at 9:54 that my husband was putting on another episode of TV for the boys. I said that would go past 10, and my husband said it would only be 20 minutes past. I expressed that I would prefer not to go 20 minutes past, and pointed out they could move to the living room to watch TV. He was obviously upset and resentful, and simply sent the boys to bed.

I got ready for bed, and then he got ready for bed, and when he returned from the bathroom it was to angrily inform me that 20 minutes here and there wasn’t a big deal and that I should accept it as a compromise because he’s ‘doing everything I asked.’ He also said I hadn’t asked to move the bedtime to 10 (it was 10 before we moved, and the move pushed it much later – and I had discussed and we’d agreed on 10 at that time). He talked about how this – watching TV with the boys – was how he wound down for sleep.

I thought of the years in which he ignored my comfort and how I still can’t get enough sleep. How he’s gone past 10 multiple times in the last month. How he’d so recently cost me a night’s sleep. How he was trying to start a fight as I was trying to go to bed. I said we could discuss it tomorrow. I spent the next 45 minutes listening to music, breathing deeply, in and out, trying to calm down and be able to feel sleepy.

Instead, my chest was hurting and my eyes were dry and scratchy. I gave up and relocated to our balcony. I’ve been out here two hours now. When I went back to get my cord because my battery was low, he was either still awake or woke up instantly and greeted me. I don’t want to go back in there with him, knowing he’s sitting a few feet away, resenting me for the boundaries he’s forced me to set – resenting me because I am prioritizing my most basic needs over his comfort.

And he thinks I’m being unreasonable, that I’m not compromising.

I am so tired.

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