Dysphoria

The result of applying makeup was weirdly traumatic on a psychological level. Invasion of the body snatchers weirdly traumatic. Dysphoria inducing. It did not look or feel like me. I took a selfie without my glasses on and that made it worse. I posted it to facebook saying it was freaking me out but I think people assumed that was hyperbole. They were very complimentary. I can look at it and think ‘yeah that person looks pretty attractive in this shot’ but it does not, at all, feel like that person is me. (On the other hand, if I dyed my hair red I feel like I’d make a passable stab at cosplaying Dr. Crusher from ST:TNG.)

I’m now sharing the selfie here because why not? It’s not gonna show up as a profile picture on any of my accounts and given that I don’t look this way when I’m out in public, I’m not particularly concerned it would allow someone to recognize me at random. My glasses really do create a Clark Kent/Superman effect imo. (Odds are, no one that’s in my neck of the woods is a reader here anyway.)

The only reason I even bothered with this in the first place was because I have issues with rosacea/adult acne that has really been flaring up lately (apparently the most common causes appear to be hormone and stress related, both major things I’m dealing with right now, yay me!) I just wanted to minimize the redness and breakouts. Maybe instead of makeup I need to see a dermatologist.

I’m not sure if this is related to being genderqueer or not. Perhaps I’m balking at a softer, more feminine version of me.