Been trying to sleep for over an hour now. Instead of getting sleepy, I'm dealing with intense loneliness. I think my internal landscape is getting altered so much, so quickly, that I don't feel like myself. I've spent most of my married life feeling touched out and wishing my children and husband would touch me … Continue reading Sulking
Month: July 2019
Fluctuation
Anxiety and depression are a vicious circle. I woke up this morning feeling sad, and I can't wake up feeling sad without my brain immediately spiraling out into anxiety as well. Is this the beginning of the end? Does waking up sad this morning signal that I'll wake up sad the next 700 mornings too? … Continue reading Fluctuation
On the Subject of Doubt
Yesterday A, M and I had a conversation about faith and religion. (J's phone has been screwing up and refusing to connect to her wi-fi when she's at home, so she wasn't present for it). All 4 of us have been severely damaged by religious indoctrination. All 4 of us have had at least one … Continue reading On the Subject of Doubt
Dysfunctional Families
I learned some new things about my family yesterday. Ever watch an indie movie with some strange, weirdly screwed up family at the center of it? That could be my family. Here's some background. I'm trying to keep it brief but there are a lot of us. My mom was screwed up from a young … Continue reading Dysfunctional Families
6 Days
I think today is going to require managing anxiety. We're in the homestretch now. Including today, we have 6 days. How do we still have so much stuff left to deal with when we've been working on this for so long already? I had a suspicion my husband was underestimating how much we needed to … Continue reading 6 Days
Yesterday I Made A List
I have to attempt to become enough of a functional adult within a year that I'll be able to become independent by the end of next year. No pressure. I wrote the following: Priorities: Sleep (regular, long enough, restful) Environment (uncluttered and clean enough) Social life (hobbies I enjoy where I can meet people and … Continue reading Yesterday I Made A List
The Importance of Friendship, Part 2
After writing part one this morning, I decided I'd just talk to A and let her know what had happened, and what her friendship meant to me, and hope for the best. I've never been in this situation before, but we've been friends for years, and presumably she'd get over any irritation she felt. She's … Continue reading The Importance of Friendship, Part 2
The Importance of Friendship
Another night largely lost to anxiety. This time due to my brain chewing on itself over the subject of friendship, and falling in love. Ultimately, my friends matter more to me than love. I couldn't picture myself as one of those people that would give up their friends in order to be with someone. If … Continue reading The Importance of Friendship
Mostly Good Things
The difference between being in a bad headspace and a good headspace is night and day for me. Yesterday afternoon I updated A and H with what my therapist had said about not recommending hospitalization, and they were glad to hear it. I asked them to still periodically check on me until the 20th, just … Continue reading Mostly Good Things
Stress Relief
Today's therapy appointment provided relief. First, with a space where I could safely vent, express my fears, and let myself cry without worry. Secondly, in the fact that my therapist does not think I need hospitalization. She's worked in the programs that handle in hospital mental health stays, and did not believe one would be … Continue reading Stress Relief
On A Good Day 