Another night largely lost to anxiety.
This time due to my brain chewing on itself over the subject of friendship, and falling in love.
Ultimately, my friends matter more to me than love. I couldn’t picture myself as one of those people that would give up their friends in order to be with someone. If I can’t have both, I know which one I’d prioritize.
Why does this matter? Because I fell for someone my best friend A was in love with, got rejected by, and she might not be entirely over him, still. They stayed good friends even so.
But I realized even if I had a shot with that person in the future, if it meant harming my friendship with A, or worse, losing it entirely, there’s no way I could be satisfied with that result.
In spite of the fact that I’m not in love with her, I want her and I to be old together – still friends, being rabble-rousing troublemakers together because we no longer give a shit what people think.
We – along with my sister J, and our friend M – would be gloriously terrible old women together. Well, A, J and I would be gloriously terrible. M would just be glorious, and shake her head at us indulgently.
My relationship with these three women has been providing me sustaining vitality for years now, even though I’ve never met M in person, have only met A once in person, and might see my sister J once a year if we’re lucky.
Our group chat has helped carry me through the worst of my depression and anxiety over the years since it first formed.
Having settled that I’d choose friendship over love, I’m still left with the reality of having fallen for someone. My brain works in the most inconvenient ways. I was perfectly happy just being friends.
Really it’s kind of comical on some level.
Now that I know I can feel this way for someone, I want to be with someone I feel this way for. If I hadn’t known I could feel this way, I wouldn’t be feeling anxious and depressed that I’ll never get the opportunity.
I know we get over people eventually. In the meantime, I’m stuck with these feelings right now and can’t just will them away, and they’re making my life more difficult.
Why can’t anything in my life ever feel easy and simple?
Weirdly, having said that – I feel pretty at peace right this moment. I spent a night processing my priorities and now that I feel I have a handle on what they are, the anxiety has diminished.