Content note: discussion of mental health including suicidal ideation. Yesterday was a crisis day. My post yesterday might have, well I'd say hinted at that, but it probably screamed that. In the evening I pulled up the suicide hotline on a tab on my phone, just in case I needed it. Then I got out … Continue reading Turning Things Around, Part 1
Tag: depression
Everything Hurts
Physically, I feel like I'm beginning to disintegrate from stress. Emotionally, everything hurts. I've gotten 3 hours of sleep twice in the last three nights. When I close my eyes for a moment I'm not sure if my brain is trying to enter a dream state without actually being asleep, or hallucinate. I've been trying … Continue reading Everything Hurts
Affirmation and Success
I didn't sleep well last night, as usual. Around 5:40 I opened google documents on my phone and brought up a recent document titled 'I am worthy.' In it I'd written the following: I am worthy.I am worthy of having my needs met. I am worthy of having my needs met without resentment or stipulation.I … Continue reading Affirmation and Success
Changes
It still rankles, a little, that I was accused of not pushing myself hard enough. I thought I'd take a look back at my accomplishments in the last year. What have I actually been doing with my life? I went to therapy. This is an achievement. I had to acknowledge that something was wrong and … Continue reading Changes
Charitable Interpretations
I recently posted about having to face some hard truths about my husband and our relationship. I had a post from a year ago, December 2018, pop up in Facebook's feed today. In it, I said my posts about feminism, my posts condemning patriarchy, had nothing to do with my own relationship. I praised my … Continue reading Charitable Interpretations
Fractional Memory
I had to go back to fractions. I mentioned how embarrassing that is to A and H, and commented that since it had been 20+ years since I did math that involved multiplying or dividing mixed number fractions my brain must have thought it was safe to delete those files. I'd spot them in an … Continue reading Fractional Memory
Hell Week, Part 2
I'd barely had a chance to speak with my oldest sister L and younger sister R, and I had wanted to let them know at least a little bit of what was going on in my life, seeing as how the public announcement of the divorce is only a month away. L had been stuck … Continue reading Hell Week, Part 2
Improvement
Apparently I need to look into treating future bouts of depression with terror, because after having that nightmare which had been so terrifying to experience that I couldn't fall back to sleep afterward... stopped the really terrible bout of severe depression I'd been having. M suggested I try watching horror movies, but as I explained … Continue reading Improvement
Chewed Gum
Yesterday I sat on the little stone landing outside my dad's front door. The sun was out and I wanted to feel some warmth and do something healthy for myself. I brought my phone & headphones with me and listened to music and periodically cried. Sometimes a thought would come to me that I'd feel … Continue reading Chewed Gum
Tennessee Again
My dad's best friend died last week. He was discovered in his apartment during a well check, having apparently passed from either a sudden heart attack or stroke. My dad and another friend had asked for a wellness check after they'd been unable to reach him for several days. My dad had known G longer … Continue reading Tennessee Again
On A Good Day 