Improvement

Apparently I need to look into treating future bouts of depression with terror, because after having that nightmare which had been so terrifying to experience that I couldn’t fall back to sleep afterward… stopped the really terrible bout of severe depression I’d been having.

M suggested I try watching horror movies, but as I explained to her, I don’t think that would work. I think I would have to experience genuine terror – so, go skydiving or something. Obviously that’s not actually an option, but it does make me very, very curious as to what exactly was happening on a mechanical level that changed my brain chemistry for the better.

I can still feel the depressing things there at the edge of my mind – I’m gingerly skirting the abyss and pretending not to notice the potential to fall. Yesterday I listened to a lot of music, danced to it because there are only cats here to judge me (and judge me they did), chatted with friends, scrolled through reddit and facebook and drove myself insane with boredom.

My dad does not have a wireless router. He does not have any streaming services, just cable, and I refuse to watch commercials again. His desktop still has Windows 7, and I don’t know how safe his browsing habits are or how safe his computer currently is. There are no sidewalks in his neighborhood or the surrounding area, so I couldn’t go out to explore safely. I did end up going to a thrift store, but when I arrived they were playing Christian music, which I hate because it has bad associations for me (in addition to being uninteresting and dull most of the time imo). So I cut that trip short and went back to my dad’s.

Today, I had the idea to search google maps for nearby hiking, and found a beautiful looking state park less than 30 minutes away. State parks in TN are free to enter, which made it even more attractive as a destination. So once I was past feeding time for the cats, I locked up and headed out. The park was gorgeous – I’ll post pictures at some point in the future – even though it was overcast most of my time there.

Apparently, though, if you’ve spent 30 years living in the flatlands you should not try to climb hills willy-nilly. By the time I’d finished a roughly 1.5 mile trail, my lungs and chest were insisting I must have just run a 10k. I sat down for a while and joked to A and H (via messenger because I had signal near the top of the hill) that I wasn’t sure I’d make it back to my car. H joked that if they hadn’t heard from me in a week they’d send a rescue party.

The clouds had started to clear and the blue sky and sunshine were absolutely gorgeous, but my lungs were threatening to drop me to the ground if I tried any more hiking, so I ended up leaving to go back to my dad’s and make myself some lunch. I took my food outside and sat in the sunshine on his doorstep until the sun went behind the trees and left me in shadows. I’m still doing okay, mentally, and I got slightly improved sleep last night, enough to make me miss a good night’s rest and wonder when I’ll be able to achieve that again.

Thursday it’s supposed to rain, but if it’s nice enough on Friday I think I’ll go back to that state park and do a little more hiking, but spend more time on the trails that are at the bottom of the hills.

3 thoughts on “Improvement

  1. This might be a dumb question but are you eating well…? I’m not a health nut but cutting down on sugar/bread and taking more “good” oils and veggies showed a rapid improvement in my overall mood (and I mean rapid, like feeling better in three days).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I actually do eat fairly well most of the time. That’s one of the frustrating things about all this – I work pretty hard at doing a lot of things that are known to help improve mental health / ease the symptoms, but without good sleep, it only goes so far.

      Liked by 1 person

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