Yesterday I sat on the little stone landing outside my dad’s front door. The sun was out and I wanted to feel some warmth and do something healthy for myself. I brought my phone & headphones with me and listened to music and periodically cried. Sometimes a thought would come to me that I’d feel like writing down.
One of those thoughts was that I feel like chewed gum.
There’s a whole stupid conservative belief that’s been around for years, that a woman is used up and ruined by having multiple sexual partners. They use this kind of illustration when pushing abstinence-only teachings. You’ll be like chewed gum, no one will want you.
I’ve had exactly one sexual partner. I married him. I had kids for him. Was the good Christian woman. And now I feel like I’ve been used up – like I’m that chewed gum. And I didn’t even get to have fun arriving at that state. I’m 38 and I’ve never even kissed someone I’m actually attracted to.
Sure I’m back down to about 135lb, which is only 10lb more than I was prior to having children. But now I’ve got a sagging abdomen covered with stretch marks, breasts that look as limply defeated as I feel right now, a sagging ass to match, and I’m still dealing with adult acne that’s almost certainly due to hormone & stress issues that I can’t do anything to fix at the moment. My face tends to look younger than my years but under my clothes the meat suit is definitely showing my age.
And that’s just the external, physical issues.
My husband took everything I sacrificed for him for granted. Thinks I owed it to him because “we were married.” Thinks I just didn’t push myself hard enough and that I could have worked on self-improvement and completing personal goals if I’d just put more effort into it. He’s angry I’m not giving him the rest of my life so he can continue taking me for granted while using me for his personal comfort.
This is where following Christianity’s conservative, patriarchal teachings landed me. Mother-fuckers.
They made promises on behalf of God. Are they going to make sure those promises are fulfilled now that God failed to come through? Of course not. Those assholes will just say it was my fault – I did something wrong. The formula would have worked if I’d just tried harder and sacrificed more and been an even better person.
Must have been all the sin in my heart preventing me from achieving peace and fulfillment.