Content note: mental health, self-harm impulses, disassociation So far, 2020 feels like I've strapped myself into a roller coaster that I'm not sure has passed safety inspections. It's been a hell of a ride in just this month, I can't imagine what the next 11 are going to look like. After Sunday morning's nightmare, I … Continue reading Incendiary
Month: January 2020
What Are The Odds?
I was thinking tonight how if I still believed in some kind of spiritual existence I'd have to assume that either H and I were meant to be together, OR the universe really has it in for him and wants to give him drama whether he will or no. We "met" online in 2012ish. I'd … Continue reading What Are The Odds?
Eliminating Fear
Additional thoughts following posting Resolute: I've got another bead on how this helps me and how I transform the experience from something that feels negative and that induces sickening levels of anxiety. This is about eliminating fear and anxiety. I've been fearing rejection ever since I faced the fact that I had feelings for H. … Continue reading Eliminating Fear
Resolute
I can do this. I can do hard things. I've made a life-long practice of doing hard things and being courageous. I'm having to give myself this pep-talk because I'm currently in something of a triggered state. Here's the background for that. I was thinking about the whole situation with H and how these random … Continue reading Resolute
Nightmare
Literal nightmare. I decided I'd focus yesterday around maintaining my good mood, and succeeded. It stayed good or pleasant the whole way through. Every time my brain would try to bring up a topic that was something that would hurt me or make me anxious I gently pushed it away or treated it with calm … Continue reading Nightmare
Pleasant Interlude
Yesterday didn't start off the best. My mom had been messaging the family group chat with pictures of her project building an addition. It reminded me that she has time for building an addition, posting the pictures to the group chat, interacting with my husband's posts on FB but can't be bothered to take the … Continue reading Pleasant Interlude
Emotional Shock, Part 2
Monday was MLK Day. The kids had the day off school. My husband was home as well. I couldn't make phone calls while they were there but I knew my husband had planned another trip for laser tag. Once they'd left the apartment I started calling to price the services of local lawyers. It was … Continue reading Emotional Shock, Part 2
Emotional Shock, Part 1
This is a follow up to Growth and Interesting Times, Part 3. I couldn't do much on Sunday. Having realized that I was still in a better place now than I was 5 years ago I felt calmer, though. The courts were closed on Monday but I would probably be able to call local lawyers … Continue reading Emotional Shock, Part 1
Growth and Interesting Times, Part 3
Content note: suicidal ideation Friday was the start of a frigid winter weekend, and as the stress and trauma of the day had grown, my brain had started whispering to me that freezing to death seemed like a pretty mild way to go. Either you went to sleep or you went crazy, but either way … Continue reading Growth and Interesting Times, Part 3
Growth and Interesting Times, Part 2
When I'd been discussing my husband's latest salvo with A & H, I'd said I didn't intend to move out of my tiny bedroom. If my husband wanted me out, he'd have to physically remove my stuff. The kids would surely be curious and confused and he'd have to come up with an explanation for … Continue reading Growth and Interesting Times, Part 2
On A Good Day 