(In which I explain myself to judgmental critics that may or may not exist in reality but definitely exist in my own head.) Think of one of your friends that you quite like, but that you have no romantic feelings for, and that you are not sexually attracted to. Now imagine you marry that friend. … Continue reading Fundamentally Flawed
Tag: Relationship
Emotional Roller Coaster
Every other Saturday night my husband and I have a social engagement involving fellow nerds and gaming, that takes place in an old brick church. Last night instead of socializing I took my laptop and sat by one of the open windows, listening to music. A cool breeze blew in through the window, and the … Continue reading Emotional Roller Coaster
Judgment
I'd confided to A that I was expecting people wouldn't understand, and would judge me, for giving up an 18 year marriage when there was no infidelity or abuse. Especially when it will involve giving primary custody to my husband instead of claiming that for myself. People won't see it as me making the best … Continue reading Judgment
The End, And The Beginning Of The End
Well, that was rough, but we ripped the bandaid off, together. Based on what I knew of my husband, I thought if I gave him some feeling of control over the structure of his life again, that he might stabilize. I was mentally fortified yesterday, feeling strong enough to handle anything short of violence, which … Continue reading The End, And The Beginning Of The End
Coming Undone
"Until we move and discuss, or you - arrive at an answer, I can't," my husband said. He'd come home for lunch and was about to leave, and I'd attempted to hug him. Apparently if he can't have connection and intimacy at the exact minimum level he believes the relationship should have, he'll have none … Continue reading Coming Undone
Past, Present, Future?
I've been chronically sleep deprived and stressed for 16 years. Eventually, I developed a debilitating amount of anxiety, too. My health - mental and physical - was shot. I realized I couldn't go on this way. Either things had to change in a major way, or I'd have to remove myself from the environment that … Continue reading Past, Present, Future?
Catch-22
I didn't want my therapist to agree with me that my situation was a catch-22. I wanted her to spot something I'd missed. But she didn't. My husband's toxic habits along with the timing of his major life decisions are the reason I'm a wreck. He's the biggest source of stress in my life. --- … Continue reading Catch-22
Stabilizing
I'm a little more stable now. One source of sadness and anxiety that was leading to worst case scenario brain has been resolved and the difference was instantaneous. Maintaining balance isn't an easy feat. I hate that I'm this fragile. This fragility is why I'd wanted my husband to back off and give me space. … Continue reading Stabilizing
Ignoring My Empathy
I woke up this morning and realized that I must have had a proper REM cycle, because I'd been dreaming. The remembered dream made me laugh because of how silly it had been, and I was instantly in a good mood. I went downstairs, and found that my husband was already awake and had started … Continue reading Ignoring My Empathy
Sleep: A Literal Need
My husband insisted on a third conversation to express his insecurity and impatience. I told him my number one priority is sleep, not hashing out the details and potential longevity of our relationship. Sleep is the necessary foundation for healing, and I was just doing what was necessary to get from here to when we … Continue reading Sleep: A Literal Need
On A Good Day 