My husband insisted on a third conversation to express his insecurity and impatience. I told him my number one priority is sleep, not hashing out the details and potential longevity of our relationship. Sleep is the necessary foundation for healing, and I was just doing what was necessary to get from here to when we … Continue reading Sleep: A Literal Need
Tag: depression
Conciliation and Coping
"You know I do care how you're doing, right?" My husband is being conciliatory. I've noticed, over the 18 years we've been together, that he doesn't apologize and he doesn't use language that formally accepts responsibility for anything inside our relationship. He will, instead, soften and attempt to reconnect. Every now and then I'd get … Continue reading Conciliation and Coping
Outlook Hazy
" ...to me this is sliding from Clueless Basic Man territory to Actually Toxic." One of my good friends has accepted the role of confidant when it comes to the relationship woes I've been experiencing this year. She's good at the role - she doesn't offer unasked-for advice, she's sympathetic, and while she admits to … Continue reading Outlook Hazy
Damned If I Do, Damned If I Don’t
I'm up to 144k words on my rough draft. I know what the ending will be. I have already started reorganizing the material so that I can split and expand it into a trilogy for the second draft. And yet, here I am, not having touched it in days now, perhaps weeks. I have writer's … Continue reading Damned If I Do, Damned If I Don’t
Trapped Inside My Own Skull
Drafts have been piling up. I keep starting to write things. The ones I complete often end up too personal for me to bring myself to post, which is odd for someone that basically started blogging so I could have a public journal, that has already posted tons of quite personal stuff, and that hates … Continue reading Trapped Inside My Own Skull
I Lost Cohesion
I stopped being my own person and became an accessory to his life. I was taught that who I was and what I wanted didn't matter, except in the sense that I was something broken that needed to be fixed, and what I wanted was probably sinful if it didn't have to do with serving … Continue reading I Lost Cohesion
Brains Are Fascinating and Frustrating
The last couple of weeks have been interesting now that my brain seems to be bringing a wide range of emotions back online. It's a little discombobulating. During the two years of my most recent stretch of depression the strongest emotions I experienced were anger and despair and my best days were the days when … Continue reading Brains Are Fascinating and Frustrating
Writing Since I Can’t Wander
Dammit, I forgot my headphones so I won't be able to listen to music and block out the noise while waiting for my daughters' swim lessons to finish. Fortunately the pain of being subjected to the screeches of random children is offset by the fact that it is an absolutely gorgeous day. It's cool and … Continue reading Writing Since I Can’t Wander
The Mortal Coil
It would seem I'm feeling talkative today. I was thinking about mental illness and death and how I have always felt lucky that suicidal ideation has never been much of a thing I've struggled with. Whatever else is going on with it, most of the time my brain wants to LIVE. The first time I … Continue reading The Mortal Coil
On A Good Day 