I'd confided to A that I was expecting people wouldn't understand, and would judge me, for giving up an 18 year marriage when there was no infidelity or abuse. Especially when it will involve giving primary custody to my husband instead of claiming that for myself. People won't see it as me making the best … Continue reading Judgment
Tag: depression
Parenting: Another Box I Don’t Fit
I worry that the way I speak about parenting makes me sound like a cold, selfish ass. My husband benefits from being a parent. I do not. A need you don't have can't be fulfilled. I knew from a young age that I didn't want children. I just didn't like or enjoy being around them. … Continue reading Parenting: Another Box I Don’t Fit
Head Above Water
Out of the worst of it. Setting it all out for my therapist helped. The fact that it was a very sunny day helped. Going out to eat with my husband helped. I don't think he's ever paid this close attention to what depression does to me - or perhaps I spent so much time … Continue reading Head Above Water
Hello Darkness, My Old Friend
"You're going to have to pay child support for 4 children," my sister J said. She was trying to be helpful and give me a heads up on what to expect, after I let her, A and M know that my marriage would probably be ending after a year or so. She was grimly blunt. … Continue reading Hello Darkness, My Old Friend
Coming Undone
"Until we move and discuss, or you - arrive at an answer, I can't," my husband said. He'd come home for lunch and was about to leave, and I'd attempted to hug him. Apparently if he can't have connection and intimacy at the exact minimum level he believes the relationship should have, he'll have none … Continue reading Coming Undone
Past, Present, Future?
I've been chronically sleep deprived and stressed for 16 years. Eventually, I developed a debilitating amount of anxiety, too. My health - mental and physical - was shot. I realized I couldn't go on this way. Either things had to change in a major way, or I'd have to remove myself from the environment that … Continue reading Past, Present, Future?
Catch-22
I didn't want my therapist to agree with me that my situation was a catch-22. I wanted her to spot something I'd missed. But she didn't. My husband's toxic habits along with the timing of his major life decisions are the reason I'm a wreck. He's the biggest source of stress in my life. --- … Continue reading Catch-22
Stabilizing
I'm a little more stable now. One source of sadness and anxiety that was leading to worst case scenario brain has been resolved and the difference was instantaneous. Maintaining balance isn't an easy feat. I hate that I'm this fragile. This fragility is why I'd wanted my husband to back off and give me space. … Continue reading Stabilizing
Fear of Relapse
Yesterday was shit. It started well enough. A dream that made me laugh as soon as I woke up, which instantly created a good mood. Then seeing my husband's self-inflicted pain made me sad. Even though I steeled myself to ignore it, the damage was done and the good mood, lost. A friend that lives … Continue reading Fear of Relapse
Ignoring My Empathy
I woke up this morning and realized that I must have had a proper REM cycle, because I'd been dreaming. The remembered dream made me laugh because of how silly it had been, and I was instantly in a good mood. I went downstairs, and found that my husband was already awake and had started … Continue reading Ignoring My Empathy
On A Good Day 