Head Above Water

Out of the worst of it.

Setting it all out for my therapist helped.

The fact that it was a very sunny day helped.

Going out to eat with my husband helped.

I don’t think he’s ever paid this close attention to what depression does to me – or perhaps I spent so much time there he was just used to it and took that to be my default state. Now that he’s had time to observe how I am when I’m better, the difference and the abrupt speed with which it happened threw him off.

I think maybe – maybe – he understands a little bit better now why I’m so obsessive about trying to stay stable and avoid stressors.

I can’t control for the ones I can’t predict, but I sure as hell try to avoid the ones I know – or at least know I’ll have to deal with them in advance.

My therapist was wondering if it would just be better for me to make a break now and set myself free – without an income, I’d qualify for assistance and education.

I told her I didn’t want to go that route if I could avoid it, either. I’d be dependent on the government, then, and I want to feel independent.

I don’t have a great, guaranteed safe way to health and independence. My situation is still precarious. But I’m trying to pick the best bad option for me.

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