Fumes

Content note: lots of depressed rambling ahead, if you don't feel like being pulled down by said rambling might want to skip. So, how am I feeling? Pretty defeated. Like I don't want that much from life, regular stuff that regular people get all the time, but for me it's unobtainable. I'd pictured rejection playing … Continue reading Fumes →

Malleable

Yesterday had an interesting moment for me. I was not pleased about my reaction to working retail. I've worked retail before and I do know how mentally and emotionally crushing I found it, but this is not a good time for turning up my nose at available employment and I was almost as unhappy about … Continue reading Malleable →

Until Use And Old Age Accept Them

I looked for the source of my fear and I found it. I determined I'd let the fear go. My brain promptly said "bitch, that anxiety was there for a reason - did you think I was being irrational? I didn't want you thinking about things that make you want to kill yourself." Domestic life … Continue reading Until Use And Old Age Accept Them →

Coasting

I'm really not doing too badly all things considered. Monday's anxiety was really high and I wasn't very productive, but I feel less than productive most days. I keep telling myself I'm doing amazing for someone that's been going on 3-5 hours of sleep a night as long as I have, let alone all the … Continue reading Coasting →

Revisiting My Goals

I wrote a list on July 12th, 2019 and published it on this blog the following day. Priorities:Sleep (regular, long enough, restful)Environment (uncluttered and clean enough)Social life (hobbies I enjoy where I can meet people and hopefully make friends, plus meeting people I know face-to-face)Employment (wardrobe, make-up, managing anxiety, training/certification, pays enough)Exploration (getting out of … Continue reading Revisiting My Goals →

Subsiding

I suppose it's too early to be declaring my new approach to emotional states a confirmed success, but I have to say results are more promising than I expected. This past week I gave myself permission to feel good and think of positive outcomes. Played music ranging from mellow and pleasant to cheerful and exciting. … Continue reading Subsiding →

Incendiary

Content note: mental health, self-harm impulses, disassociation So far, 2020 feels like I've strapped myself into a roller coaster that I'm not sure has passed safety inspections. It's been a hell of a ride in just this month, I can't imagine what the next 11 are going to look like. After Sunday morning's nightmare, I … Continue reading Incendiary →

Growth and Interesting Times, Part 3

Content note: suicidal ideation Friday was the start of a frigid winter weekend, and as the stress and trauma of the day had grown, my brain had started whispering to me that freezing to death seemed like a pretty mild way to go. Either you went to sleep or you went crazy, but either way … Continue reading Growth and Interesting Times, Part 3 →

Turning Things Around, Part 3

By the time I was on the road I was in emotional agony but also determined to do something about it. I got on I69, determined to go at least as far as Muncie, IN. I'd brought my laptop along, figuring if I needed to extend my break from home that I could stop at … Continue reading Turning Things Around, Part 3 →

Turning Things Around, Part 2

There were several factors that went into bringing me to a point of crisis, again. First and foremost, sleep deprivation. 3 hours of sleep twice in 3 nights is not a good state of affairs when someone is mentally and emotionally fragile. We'd told the kids about the divorce, and then had to try carrying … Continue reading Turning Things Around, Part 2 →