I gave myself a paper cut while opening a box of donuts and I feel this says something about my life right now. Saturday's crisis had been made worse by the fact that my sense of humor went MIA. Usually I have the ability to see the funny alongside the bleak, and to poke fun … Continue reading The Waiting Game
Emotional Roller Coaster
Every other Saturday night my husband and I have a social engagement involving fellow nerds and gaming, that takes place in an old brick church. Last night instead of socializing I took my laptop and sat by one of the open windows, listening to music. A cool breeze blew in through the window, and the … Continue reading Emotional Roller Coaster
If This Is Love I Don’t Want It
Evangeline Lily didn't want her character to have a love story. Not only did they force her into a love story, it was a silly, poorly written love story that ended in tragedy. No wonder Tauriel didn't want it. I'm feeling rather similarly, at the moment. My brain let me go so long without experiencing … Continue reading If This Is Love I Don’t Want It
Sharp Edges
During my conversation with my sister J yesterday she said, with forlorn frustration, that I'd changed, that it felt like the AJ she knew was gone, and that she'd lost her best friend in the last few years. That I was rewriting the past. I know that the person she knew back then was extremely … Continue reading Sharp Edges
Judgment
I'd confided to A that I was expecting people wouldn't understand, and would judge me, for giving up an 18 year marriage when there was no infidelity or abuse. Especially when it will involve giving primary custody to my husband instead of claiming that for myself. People won't see it as me making the best … Continue reading Judgment
Parenting: Another Box I Don’t Fit
I worry that the way I speak about parenting makes me sound like a cold, selfish ass. My husband benefits from being a parent. I do not. A need you don't have can't be fulfilled. I knew from a young age that I didn't want children. I just didn't like or enjoy being around them. … Continue reading Parenting: Another Box I Don’t Fit
Head Above Water
Out of the worst of it. Setting it all out for my therapist helped. The fact that it was a very sunny day helped. Going out to eat with my husband helped. I don't think he's ever paid this close attention to what depression does to me - or perhaps I spent so much time … Continue reading Head Above Water
Hello Darkness, My Old Friend
"You're going to have to pay child support for 4 children," my sister J said. She was trying to be helpful and give me a heads up on what to expect, after I let her, A and M know that my marriage would probably be ending after a year or so. She was grimly blunt. … Continue reading Hello Darkness, My Old Friend
The End, And The Beginning Of The End
Well, that was rough, but we ripped the bandaid off, together. Based on what I knew of my husband, I thought if I gave him some feeling of control over the structure of his life again, that he might stabilize. I was mentally fortified yesterday, feeling strong enough to handle anything short of violence, which … Continue reading The End, And The Beginning Of The End
Coming Undone
"Until we move and discuss, or you - arrive at an answer, I can't," my husband said. He'd come home for lunch and was about to leave, and I'd attempted to hug him. Apparently if he can't have connection and intimacy at the exact minimum level he believes the relationship should have, he'll have none … Continue reading Coming Undone
On A Good Day 