If This Is Love I Don’t Want It

Evangeline Lily didn’t want her character to have a love story. Not only did they force her into a love story, it was a silly, poorly written love story that ended in tragedy. No wonder Tauriel didn’t want it.

I’m feeling rather similarly, at the moment. My brain let me go so long without experiencing both romantic and sexual attraction for a person, and then when it found the disconnected wires and plugged them in, it did so at the most fucking inconvenient time and aimed them in an inconvenient direction.

I’m sure my brain was thinking short term change for continued survival. Our instincts are complex but still pretty basic.

“Well, her current partner seems to be pretty bad for her health, let’s encourage her to switch to a new partner!”

That potential partner doesn’t want me, brain – they will probably never want me. We were doing just fine as friends. If you’d consulted me first, I could have told you this was a bad idea.

Now my mood can be impacted by whether or not a specific person talks to me. If they’re not chatty, it can mean my brain starts getting anxious and chewing at itself.

They’re probably bored with you. Maybe there’s someone else they’re crushing on and they’d rather talk to that person. Just think, you could have to sit by while they fall in love with someone else!

This is always how it will go. You’re going to live out your life never knowing what it’s like to be loved by someone you’re in love with.

I’m sorry I denied you good rest for so long, brain. There’s no need to retaliate this way. If I’m still not sleeping, you’re still not sleeping, after all.

My poor husband. I have sympathy for him wanting to preserve a relationship with me. It’s another cruel twist of the universe that when I finally develop the capability to be romantically and sexually attracted to someone, that someone isn’t him.

Yesterday he wanted to know if there was anything he was doing that he shouldn’t, or anything he could do that he wasn’t, that would make it possible for me to experience romantic & sexual attraction for him.

If I had that figured out, I’d know more than scientists that have been studying that very thing.

I don’t drink, and I don’t know things.

I envy my 7 year old. The great tragedy in her life is that the only cereal we have in the house is Life cereal. She cried about it and then requested oatmeal instead. (I know, she’s weird, but she’s my offspring, it’s genetic.)

I’m trying to make light of this, but it really does hurt right now. I’d like it to stop.

All I want is to be able to be happy without any other person having to be involved, is that so much to ask?!


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