Bitter Ruminations

Gallows humor is how I cope with and relate to the world.

People that can’t appreciate or are put off by gallows humor aren’t likely to appreciate me.

There’s a movie – Wristcutters: A Love Story – whose opening sequence made me fall in love with the film. I won’t spoil it, but it’s the darkest of dark humor. That special kick in the pants life loves to deliver.

I’ve seen friends and family struggle with infertility.

I secretly wished I’d find out I was infertile. Instead, my midwife for my 4th child disparagingly referred to me as ‘Fertile Myrtle.’

Yes, I do know what causes that. Conservative Christian religious indoctrination.

I try not to let it sting too much. She had no idea how I’d been raised.

I loved moving every year. Even if it was just a different neighborhood in a different part of the same city.

I had friends and family that hated moving. They just wanted to settle in one place and put down roots.

I watched the years tick by while I stayed in one place and felt myself withering.

I had friends that were heartbroken in their loneliness. Not just women, but men, too, wanted to settle down with an amiable companion.

I was married, with children, but still lonely and craved being alone with a growing intensity.

People wanted to be touched, and hugged – desperate enough to go to cuddle parties with strangers – and I just wished people would stop touching me.

My life has been filled with what other people want.

Meanwhile, I don’t want it. I never did.

People will say you should be grateful for what you have – even if what you have isn’t what you asked for.

Be grateful you have that plate of food, even if you are allergic to it. Other people are starving.

I’d hand ‘married with 4 children’ to my sister J, who could hand her 4 year degree to my friend A, who could hand her 4 finished novels to me.

I don’t want to die, but I don’t fear being dead. You can only care about living while you’re alive.

I think it’s difficult for a lot of people to want to hear, see or feel other people’s bitterness overflowing. Writing this out seems to be helping me a little, though. The gallows humor is kicking in.

The only constant in life is getting screwed, or not getting screwed if that happens to be what you really want.

I get a kick out of the theory that life is actually just a computer simulation. Having some sadistic gamer in charge of our existence would explain quite a lot.

Life is funny. I actually mean that. You have to appreciate gallows humor to see it, though.

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