Conciliation and Coping

"You know I do care how you're doing, right?" My husband is being conciliatory. I've noticed, over the 18 years we've been together, that he doesn't apologize and he doesn't use language that formally accepts responsibility for anything inside our relationship. He will, instead, soften and attempt to reconnect. Every now and then I'd get … Continue reading Conciliation and Coping →

Beauty and Ashes

Yesterday wasn't exactly a great day. My husband is myopically focused on what he believes our relationship should look like, and how I'm failing to live up to that. I'm myopically focused on not ending up in another long stretch of major depression and anxiety. I hate how mental health is often treated as less … Continue reading Beauty and Ashes →

Outlook Hazy

" ...to me this is sliding from Clueless Basic Man territory to Actually Toxic." One of my good friends has accepted the role of confidant when it comes to the relationship woes I've been experiencing this year. She's good at the role - she doesn't offer unasked-for advice, she's sympathetic, and while she admits to … Continue reading Outlook Hazy →

Damned If I Do, Damned If I Don’t

I'm up to 144k words on my rough draft. I know what the ending will be. I have already started reorganizing the material so that I can split and expand it into a trilogy for the second draft. And yet, here I am, not having touched it in days now, perhaps weeks. I have writer's … Continue reading Damned If I Do, Damned If I Don’t →

Trapped Inside My Own Skull

Drafts have been piling up. I keep starting to write things. The ones I complete often end up too personal for me to bring myself to post, which is odd for someone that basically started blogging so I could have a public journal, that has already posted tons of quite personal stuff, and that hates … Continue reading Trapped Inside My Own Skull →

Restless

I opened my laptop, powered it up, and saw that the clock said 5:58 AM. I'm feeling a little salty about this. My brain has apparently decided I'm a morning person now, and it didn't give me any conscious say in this decision. It just won't let me keep sleeping, or at least not sleeping … Continue reading Restless →

I Lost Cohesion

I stopped being my own person and became an accessory to his life. I was taught that who I was and what I wanted didn't matter, except in the sense that I was something broken that needed to be fixed, and what I wanted was probably sinful if it didn't have to do with serving … Continue reading I Lost Cohesion →

Cultivating An Air Of Mystery

I am part of a long running group chat in which the three other participants and I have grown so comfortable with each other that we have no problem discussing TMI topics. Last night's discussion involved what is apparently an age old discussion in a broader sense: whether or not we were comfortable using the … Continue reading Cultivating An Air Of Mystery →

Hiding in the Corner of the Library

Thank god for noise canceling headphones. The girls wanted very badly to come to an event at the library today, so I dragged myself out of the house only to realize, to my dismay, that it's a very big event that's drawing quite a crowd. Half the event is outside, where it's warm and humid, … Continue reading Hiding in the Corner of the Library →

My Therapist Is Enabling Me

By which I mean she's encouraging me to honestly assess what I want out of life and to pursue a life that gives me happiness and satisfaction. And my poor brain just doesn't know what to do with someone encouraging me to live my life in a way that makes me happy and so it's … Continue reading My Therapist Is Enabling Me →