Freedom, of a Sort, Grudgingly Granted

I had initially been excited about getting my car, but that was before yet another DTR conversation I had for my husband, in which he revealed how much he struggled with going through with buying me a car. We haven't had two vehicles very often. Sometimes early in our relationship we didn't even have one … Continue reading Freedom, of a Sort, Grudgingly Granted →

Dysfunctional Family (But Not Mine This Time)

So, last Wednesday my husband and I had another define-the-relationship discussion. The denial was wearing off, and he was realizing that when I said I saw the most likely outcome of this year being that we'd formally part ways at the end of it, that was what I really meant. That there are flaws in … Continue reading Dysfunctional Family (But Not Mine This Time) →

Fundamentally Flawed

(In which I explain myself to judgmental critics that may or may not exist in reality but definitely exist in my own head.) Think of one of your friends that you quite like, but that you have no romantic feelings for, and that you are not sexually attracted to. Now imagine you marry that friend. … Continue reading Fundamentally Flawed →

The Waiting Game

I gave myself a paper cut while opening a box of donuts and I feel this says something about my life right now. Saturday's crisis had been made worse by the fact that my sense of humor went MIA. Usually I have the ability to see the funny alongside the bleak, and to poke fun … Continue reading The Waiting Game →

Emotional Roller Coaster

Every other Saturday night my husband and I have a social engagement involving fellow nerds and gaming, that takes place in an old brick church. Last night instead of socializing I took my laptop and sat by one of the open windows, listening to music. A cool breeze blew in through the window, and the … Continue reading Emotional Roller Coaster →

The End, And The Beginning Of The End

Well, that was rough, but we ripped the bandaid off, together. Based on what I knew of my husband, I thought if I gave him some feeling of control over the structure of his life again, that he might stabilize. I was mentally fortified yesterday, feeling strong enough to handle anything short of violence, which … Continue reading The End, And The Beginning Of The End →

Coming Undone

"Until we move and discuss, or you - arrive at an answer, I can't," my husband said. He'd come home for lunch and was about to leave, and I'd attempted to hug him. Apparently if he can't have connection and intimacy at the exact minimum level he believes the relationship should have, he'll have none … Continue reading Coming Undone →

Past, Present, Future?

I've been chronically sleep deprived and stressed for 16 years. Eventually, I developed a debilitating amount of anxiety, too. My health - mental and physical - was shot. I realized I couldn't go on this way. Either things had to change in a major way, or I'd have to remove myself from the environment that … Continue reading Past, Present, Future? →

Catch-22

I didn't want my therapist to agree with me that my situation was a catch-22. I wanted her to spot something I'd missed. But she didn't. My husband's toxic habits along with the timing of his major life decisions are the reason I'm a wreck. He's the biggest source of stress in my life. --- … Continue reading Catch-22 →

Stabilizing

I'm a little more stable now. One source of sadness and anxiety that was leading to worst case scenario brain has been resolved and the difference was instantaneous. Maintaining balance isn't an easy feat. I hate that I'm this fragile. This fragility is why I'd wanted my husband to back off and give me space. … Continue reading Stabilizing →