Thank You

There are a few people that have interacted with me here on a regular basis this year, and those interactions helped. There are times when I think about the fact that there are 7.5+ billion people on Earth, and yet at any given moment I cease to exist to anyone but myself. It's not a … Continue reading Thank You →

Chewed Gum

Yesterday I sat on the little stone landing outside my dad's front door. The sun was out and I wanted to feel some warmth and do something healthy for myself. I brought my phone & headphones with me and listened to music and periodically cried. Sometimes a thought would come to me that I'd feel … Continue reading Chewed Gum →

Tennessee Again

My dad's best friend died last week. He was discovered in his apartment during a well check, having apparently passed from either a sudden heart attack or stroke. My dad and another friend had asked for a wellness check after they'd been unable to reach him for several days. My dad had known G longer … Continue reading Tennessee Again →

Preparing to Take Another Step

Tuesday night / Wednesday morning were another rough stretch emotionally. I probably clocked in at less than 4 hours of sleep and when I woke up, was feeling so terrible and so lonely and isolated that I didn't know what to do with myself. I was even considering seeking out an animal shelter to volunteer … Continue reading Preparing to Take Another Step →

Schrodinger’s Loneliness

I need to not be alone today but I also need to be alone. I'm constantly on the verge of crying and the only people around are my husband and kids and I don't want them to see anything amiss and ask me about it. Writing doesn't seem to be helping me cope as much … Continue reading Schrodinger’s Loneliness →

Thanks, I Hate It

I think I've been very lonely for a very long time now, and couldn't look that loneliness in the face and acknowledge it for what it is. I had the realization yesterday that my unfocused, existential boredom that couldn't be assuaged was really a desire to be around congenial company in person. Growing up homeschooled … Continue reading Thanks, I Hate It →

Sulking

Been trying to sleep for over an hour now. Instead of getting sleepy, I'm dealing with intense loneliness. I think my internal landscape is getting altered so much, so quickly, that I don't feel like myself. I've spent most of my married life feeling touched out and wishing my children and husband would touch me … Continue reading Sulking →