Low

I'm really struggling. I feel like I exist as a place for my dreams to die. It's the opposite of helpful for people to try and be encouraging and hopeful and say that one day, things will be better, one day I'll get the things I need. Oh really? Well, I've already put nearly 40 … Continue reading Low →

Malleable

Yesterday had an interesting moment for me. I was not pleased about my reaction to working retail. I've worked retail before and I do know how mentally and emotionally crushing I found it, but this is not a good time for turning up my nose at available employment and I was almost as unhappy about … Continue reading Malleable →

Until Use And Old Age Accept Them

I looked for the source of my fear and I found it. I determined I'd let the fear go. My brain promptly said "bitch, that anxiety was there for a reason - did you think I was being irrational? I didn't want you thinking about things that make you want to kill yourself." Domestic life … Continue reading Until Use And Old Age Accept Them →

Powerful

I listened to melancholy, sad songs all morning. Wrote. Processed. Grieved. The weather is nice today, so I prioritized getting out for a walk and drove up to Potter's Bridge sometime after noon. By the time I got there, I realized my mood was significantly improving. I felt powerful. I asked myself a question, dug … Continue reading Powerful →

Stupid Human Psyche

So, I had recently made the realization that everything related to searching for employment was causing me significant anxiety, MORE anxiety than getting divorced and currently being trapped living with my ex. Which made no sense. What was I afraid of? What was hanging out in my psyche that was making this so goddamn difficult? … Continue reading Stupid Human Psyche →

Coasting

I'm really not doing too badly all things considered. Monday's anxiety was really high and I wasn't very productive, but I feel less than productive most days. I keep telling myself I'm doing amazing for someone that's been going on 3-5 hours of sleep a night as long as I have, let alone all the … Continue reading Coasting →

Choices

Tuesday I met with what would hopefully become my newly retained law firm. I was so nervous by the time I got there that I joked in the group chat with A & H that hopefully they wouldn't be too put out if I collapsed on their floor and became catatonic. The meeting didn't raise … Continue reading Choices →

Surviving the Plague

The plague, in this case, being anxiety. H did end up messaging me back, confirming he would still be available for a trip to Newfields. By then, my anxiety had already spiked through the roof - thanks, anxiety - so while it helped it wasn't enough to restore me to former levels. I realized that … Continue reading Surviving the Plague →

Anxiety, the Plague of My Existence

I've definitely made some headway with anxiety in the last year. Huge progress. But I'm still caught in that vicious loop of sleep deprivation worsening anxiety which in turn causes sleep deprivation. I really fucking hate anxiety. It's definitely been spiking again since my husband informed me that he filed. I mean, how could it … Continue reading Anxiety, the Plague of My Existence →

Revisiting My Goals

I wrote a list on July 12th, 2019 and published it on this blog the following day. Priorities:Sleep (regular, long enough, restful)Environment (uncluttered and clean enough)Social life (hobbies I enjoy where I can meet people and hopefully make friends, plus meeting people I know face-to-face)Employment (wardrobe, make-up, managing anxiety, training/certification, pays enough)Exploration (getting out of … Continue reading Revisiting My Goals →