Bits and Pieces, 5-22-2020

This format worked fairly well last time so I may stick with this going forward during this period where I don’t get the energy to post daily.

First off – ten years from now when my youngest is 18 and presumably interested in becoming an independent adult that does not spend all her time with her parents, I may just have to run off and literally start howling at the moon.

If you’ve ever had a problem with your computer slowing down to a standstill, and you finally get task manager to load up so you can investigate the problem, and it turns out there’s a windows update running in the background tying up all your resource? Yeah, that’s basically how my life and my brain feel right now. Unfortunately the process tying up all my resources is ‘responsible adulthood.’

I get frustrated with having to stay on top of things, exercise self-control, refrain from vice because of the negative consequences, and constantly be the one responsible for making the best bad choice for things that don’t just impact me, but impact other people as well. Doing something stupid would at least be a temporary catharsis but I can’t even indulge in that because temporary stupidity can lead to long-term negative consequences.

I don’t even have the focus and concentration and desire for things like reading or playing games. I just do a lot of scrolling through reddit and facebook. Speaking of the latter, I guess I did do -one- thing that can be considered temporary stupidity (though the possibility for long-term negative consequences is pretty low). I sent my boss a friend request on FB. I scrolled through a fair amount of my posts, first, and they’re largely innocuous. Stuff about my kids, music, nature & some juvenile humor. I’d already seen a couple of other coworkers interacting on a public post of his so I knew he was okay with employees having access to him on Facebook.

A was worried that Mike might see a guy’s name pop up as a new friend and decide I had added someone to my harem, but as I pointed out, he had known I had feelings for H and that just led to things that were creepy and obnoxious and annoying but didn’t feel dangerous. It’s specifically stuff like the custody issue that I worry will cause my husband to snap and lash out at me, not his deluded thinking about my sex life. So I went ahead and sent the friend request. As I said to A, I had to laugh over my ‘homeschool daring’ which is the term we use whenever we do anything that’s really pretty normal and terribly tame by most people’s standards but that feels like A Big Deal to us.

A was still not convinced it was a good idea but said ‘fine, friend your hot boss’ and I wailed that he’s not even “hot” my meat suit just wants him, and have I mentioned how much I hate my meat suit?

I also told A, M & my sister J that this was the dumbest, most inexplicable, least “me” crush I’ve had in my life and it’s a wonder that my boss’s profile hadn’t killed said crush. M was thoroughly pleased with me for having a dumb crush because apparently it’s a life experience she thinks can only help me?! Either that or she thinks I should be allowed to have fun, dumb crushes and not sweat it. Something like that.

M also wanted to know what I liked about him. Well, he’s confident in that way that can be mistaken for arrogance without actually seeming arrogant – he’ll jump right in to help with bagging, or sweeping the floor, or helping customers, or taking turns on a register, and doesn’t act like it’s beneath him. I think I used the term ‘adorably doofy pushing that broom around.’

He’s also kind – as evidenced by the fact that he and his wife have been separated for 3 years, and he’d like his divorce finalized but has held off because she has medical issues, so he keeps her on his insurance and even pays for her housing at the moment.

On the frivolous side of things he likes 80s music and has a juvenile sense of humor, both of which appeal to me as those are traits I share.

As to why the meat suit decided it wants to fuck him, I sure as hell don’t know. Other than both being white guys, he and H could not be less alike, physically or personality-wise and yet I’d happily get naked with either of them. Attraction is a choice my ass, if I could choose attraction I’d just find a big dumb available Kronk to pull my levers. Hmph.

I can only assume some part of me sniffed out the hidden nerdery in my boss, though, because on the surface of things he’s so not my type it’s laughable. He’s ex-military and works out a lot so he can get big & buff – I know that’s attractive to a lot of women, but it’s not to me. I’ll go for Matt Murdoch over Frank Castle any day (or to put it in more broadly recognized terms, I’ll take Tom Hiddleston over Chris Hemsworth). However, I know he played D&D as a teenager, and when browsing his old profile pics came across one where he had longer hair and glasses and looked like a total nerd, so.

Anyway, I sent the friend request. It was late at night and I didn’t expect him to see it or respond right away so had an ‘eek!’ moment when he fairly promptly accepted.

I browsed his friends-only posts, and metaphorically facepalmed at myself. Why? Good god, why am I like this and why do these things happen to me?

My therapist had been worried H was a rebound from my marriage, but I’m pretty sure S (my boss) is a rebound from H and I kind of just want to shake my meat suit and tell it to stop screwing with my head and my heart.

Anyway, on to a less fraught subject – my older daughter (instead of using initials I’m going to call her 3) – 3 ended up 96th percentile for both math and reading and she’s going to be in advanced classes for both this fall. She’s expressed an avowed preference for language arts, so I’m glad she’s giving math a chance even so. She’s said she finds geometry, fractions and division most interesting out of the math she’s studied so far, which blows me away since those are things I typically hear people complain about.

Her little sister, who gets to be designated 4, was aggrieved because she’s only going on to advanced math this fall. She got 98th percentile in math and 90th percentile in reading. I explained to her that 90th percentile is still quite good and she’ll just keep getting better – so maybe she’ll have advanced reading, too, year after this. She seemed a little mollified when I put it that way. I have a feeling 4, our youngest gamer, may be approaching school as a video game she needs to win. (As I said on FB when I posted about this, I’m not humble bragging, I’m straight up bragging, my kids are awesome.)

Okay I could definitely find more bits and pieces to write about but I need to get my ass going so I can get some important phone calls knocked out. Ugh, fucking responsible adulthood. Can’t wait until I’m free to howl at the moon.

3 thoughts on “Bits and Pieces, 5-22-2020

  1. I had a crush. The person was very nice and seemed a lot older than they were. Um, yeah, so much for that. They also turned out to be religious so I guess it was only a physical attraction in the end. lol. I don’t know how you were once you were married, but I took my vows really seriously, never looked at another guy. So I view crushes and attractions as part of my recovery. Nothing is likely to happen, but it allows me something I’d denied myself for no good reason because my ex sure as hell didn’t take his vows seriously. 🙂 But if Chris Evans ever gets interested in return…;)

    Liked by 1 person

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