I was going to sleep the night of the 15th when I remembered my habit calendar. I’d downloaded it at the beginning of December because I wanted to be able to mark off the days until the 30th. I’d decided to keep it going in January but had fallen behind. As I marked off a handful of days I’d got through successfully I felt astounded.
It was approximately two weeks into January, two weeks into 2020 and I had:
-Successfully talked myself through a mental health crisis
-Moved out of the master suite into my own tiny bedroom, over my husband’s objections
-Dealt with an acquaintance getting too friendly post-divorce announcement
-Got an interview for a volunteer position that required coming up with a 5 minute spiel in less than 48 hours, and knocked that spiel out of the park
-Successfully held my own during my husband’s attempt to get me to agree to a post-nuptial
-Wrote a resume and cover letter
-Made progress in algebra
-Joined a D&D group!
For me, that was a huge amount of stuff to pack into a two week – successful stuff, no less! I felt awed. I’d been feeling so damn sluggish from August through December (even though it would look like quite a lot if I were to write that down, I’m sure). I was questioning how the hell I’d ever succeed at getting employed and being able to afford alternate housing before July 20th, 2020. Now it was looking perhaps a little more positive.
Thursday morning I started the process of putting in the online application for the job H had shown me. Midway through I realized I might need some old paperwork related to my work history and went to the master suite to look for it. My husband has been ‘organizing’ the paperwork, which has involved taking everything out of the labeled folders and putting it who knows where, but I did eventually find some of what I’d been searching for. I also found the folder with the kids’ birth certificates.
I’m part of a facebook group with some lovely people that have been supportive through this whole journey I’d embarked on, and three of the women had looked over my resume and cover letter to give me advice. One of the women worked in HR and was involved in the hiring process for her place of employ, and her advice was particularly valuable. Now that I’d completed the application I posted in the group to celebrate that milestone and thank the women that had helped. Then I settled in to work on making my character for my new D&D game’s first session.
I was in the middle of working on the character when I received a message from my husband via messenger and text. He was ordering me to move out of the walk-in closet and make alternate sleep arrangements by the weekend, and show me a report on my progress in the job hunt or he’d be forced to file for divorce on 2/1. He’d graciously put $120 in the joint account for me, for ‘job hunting’ or ‘moving preparations,’ bringing the total in the account to $238.
Apparently the universe decided that since I’d knocked it out of the park in the first two weeks of 2020, it would have to test my mettle by increasing the difficulty.
I decided I wasn’t going to let my husband ruin my game, though I couldn’t help feeling upset and had difficulties working on the character sheet. I said goodbye to the kids and left the house at 6 to head to the location where we’d be playing. I was able to put aside my real life worries and enjoy escaping reality. For a few hours it was like my husband didn’t even exist.
Legal Aid had given me a list with 4 names for lawyers I could call, and I decided I’d do that Friday morning. Maybe I could find someone willing to work with me on a payment plan.