The Life I Want

I’ve had multiple people assume, in a negative way, that I’m divorcing my husband in order to get the life I want.

Honestly, my first reaction was to be outraged that they think THIS is the life I want – to be a divorced mom of four on the cusp of 40, dealing with mental illness, no degree, trying to get a career off the ground that pays well enough for me to be able to live by myself. I have a very good imagination and want much more than that for myself – and am keenly aware that I will probably never get the majority of the things I want out of life.

But what did I want out of life that prompted me to make the decision to divorce my husband? I wanted improved mental health, autonomy, respect, space of my own, and the chance – which is by no means a guaranteed chance – that I get to experience what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone I love, that loves me in return – and that treats me like I’m a person that matters, not an appendage to be used.

AND WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT?

Nothing. I fucking hate how society expects mothers to be martyrs, and if they’re not willing to be martyrs, the alternative is monster.

Apparently it’s selfish of me to want a life that doesn’t literally make me want to die.

How does it make any sense to expect one person to carry all the suffering in order to spare five, when the volume of that suffering will shatter the sixth, at which point the five will suffer anyway?

How can anyone that actually loves me want me to be a martyr, when there are alternatives?

2 thoughts on “The Life I Want

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