Preparing to Take Another Step

Tuesday night / Wednesday morning were another rough stretch emotionally. I probably clocked in at less than 4 hours of sleep and when I woke up, was feeling so terrible and so lonely and isolated that I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was even considering seeking out an animal shelter to volunteer at so I could pet dogs, and I don’t even really like dogs (I know, shocking, sorry I guess I am a terrible person.) Then it occurred to me that even if I couldn’t call my mom and expect to get comfort from her (not that she wouldn’t try, but I can’t really feel comfort from a major source of my trauma) I could still call my dad. He, more than anyone else in the family, would know what I’m going through.

I called him at 8:45 and luckily, he was inside due to the cold weather, heard the phone and answered. I spent 2 hours pouring my heart out to him and he told me some things that I think I needed to hear – that it’s clear sleep is vitally important, and that I need to do whatever I can to get sleep. Even if that means risking medication, even if that means risking medication when my husband is the only adult around to monitor me for side effects. He reminded me that his partner was pretty much a walking cocktail of medications for many years, and that while yes, the side effects of those medications did do damage and probably contributed to his death, they also extended his life by decades.

I’ve been trying so hard to do all of the recommended things for sleep hygiene that are within my power to do and it hasn’t worked. And it is so much harder to maintain my mental health on an even keel without enough sleep. I can’t sustain this kind of existence indefinitely.

So, the next appointment I have with my therapist, I’m going to talk it over with him – if he gets on board and recommends a local health care provider that would be willing to review my situation and prescribe sleep meds, great, if not I’ll do the research and find someone myself. Our insurance doesn’t require referrals.

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