Schrodinger’s Loneliness

I need to not be alone today but I also need to be alone. I’m constantly on the verge of crying and the only people around are my husband and kids and I don’t want them to see anything amiss and ask me about it.

Writing doesn’t seem to be helping me cope as much right now.

I feel like I’m in this interminable slog of being anxious and sad and that it results in me sounding unpleasant and whiny and worse – dull.

Yesterday was a stressful, draining day. I had to spend hours with my husband and kids pretending everything was normal while we went to their monthly therapist appointment and then had lunch afterward. If it had just been myself and the kids, it wouldn’t have been so draining.

The therapist is also my husband’s therapist, and I don’t know if I’m imagining it but there doesn’t seem to be any warmth behind the polite smiles she’ll flash in my direction. I can only assume that in the absence of my side of the story, she believes my husband’s account of events.

The third M I was supposed to meet today had to cancel due to car trouble. That was a blow because I could have used a day away, especially during the four day stretch my husband is at home for most of the time.

Feeling so sad and drained yesterday made me wish I was in a relationship with the person I want to be in a relationship with, so that I could go curl up on a sofa with them and feel better. I hate that my brain has done this to me. If it’s going to make me keenly aware that I’m human and need intimacy and physical affection and companionship, why couldn’t it have gone the extra step and made me willing and able to receive this from most any source?

If you’d just let me be a ho, brain, I could go out there and get what I need.

Instead, I’m stuck in a purgatory where there’s only one specific person whose touch and intimacy and physical proximity I want – and I can’t pursue them yet, and when I’m free to pursue them, I’ll probably be shot down.

Why would you do this to me, brain?

My husband took our two boys to see a movie last night and I went to bed shortly after they left and then sat there for 2 hours, too sad to be able to sleep. This morning I woke up feeling just as sad, and having to face the thing underpinning my sadness, which is not my lack of a relationship with the person I want, or the stress of existing within a disintegrated relationship, but instead the news I got Friday.

I spent Friday mostly trying to distract myself so I wouldn’t have to face the fact that there’s a good chance the path I chose to employment and independence is now cut off. Pursuing the electrician’s apprenticeship program was a good choice for me. I was interested in the profession, felt pretty confident I could do the work, and also pretty confident I could get myself through the application process, even if it took some time to develop my math skills to an acceptable level for passing the aptitude test. I’d be getting decent pay, benefits, and a union. Best of all, there wasn’t a lot of anxiety attached to pursuing that course of action.

That leaves me stuck with options that are highly anxiety-inducing and I’m going to have to push myself through them somehow.

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