Today my husband called on his break. He hasn’t been doing that lately. Not since I made up my mind divorce was 100% happening and that we could no longer even continue our trying to be friends-with-benefits arrangement.
He said he’d been thinking about something we discussed yesterday – how I’d said I couldn’t trust him. How I’d said, when asked in a conversation well before that, I wouldn’t tell him if I started to self-harm or experienced suicidal ideation. Was there anything he could do to earn my trust? He cared about me, after all.
When we’d talked about trust the day before, I’d already explained that for years, he’d made decisions based on what he thought was best while ignoring my input. So I told him no, there was nothing he could do.
The conversation devolved now that he wasn’t getting what he wanted. Eventually, he started to leverage the kids. I lived with them, after all. Was he just supposed to trust me? I told him the kids were in no danger from me. I told him he didn’t have to trust me, but was adamant that I was not going to be sharing with him about my mental health.
He was not happy.
I was not happy. I was feeling paranoid and jumpy after that call. Why was he so invested in finding out my mental health symptoms and whether or not I was self-harming or experiencing suicidal ideation? I can’t think of a way he can help me with that knowledge, but I sure can think of ways he could harm me.
And he wonders why I don’t trust him.