Behind On Updating

I really do want to be staying current on what’s happening in my life, as I find it useful to be able to look back and see what I recorded, but apparently that’s just not something I’m staying on top of right now.

I had an issue develop with my shoulder, I believe I mentioned, which turned out to actually be a problem with my neck – I had to go into urgent care for it today. They said it’s most likely neck strain that isn’t being able to heal because of anxiety and stress-related tension. Hooray.

What made it get so much worse was a 3 hour drive to Evansville Friday evening, and a 3 hour drive back home on Sunday. I went to meet my friend C in person for the first time. She has 3 children close in age to my 3 younger children, so I took them along so they could meet and play with C’s children. C is very nice in person, and a good cook, and I had a nice time other than the neck pain getting much worse.

Today, my husband and I had our end of the month check-in, and it was… well, it was something. Not awful, not great, somewhat productive? Weird? I think my husband is lying to me, too, possibly just by omission but there is definitely something that’s not adding up.

He thinks I’m being lazy and not working hard enough to become independent, because I haven’t been putting in applications anywhere (something I was holding off on until I had all three of the workshops I needed complete). He said I could have at least applied to and been working at Starbucks.

I pointed out that the consequences of when I get employment are on me, not him. I’ll be out at the end of the lease, as agreed. We’re only 3 months into our lease, and I still have time. I’m moving at a pace I can manage while still trying to deal with mental health symptoms, and I don’t have the assistance of medication for managing said symptoms.

He still does not believe the severity of my symptoms or that I am genuinely doing my best to manage them. I told him I was working on establishing myself with a new therapist so that he’d be able to recommend medication if it seemed warranted. In the meantime, I’m definitely putting a ton of energy into staying stable and surviving.

Some of the weird stuff – on the matter of trust and communication, I called him out for going to get gas and “coincidentally” having a phone call that took around an hour.

His claim is that someone he met at his LARP game is also going through a divorce, and they just happened to call during that time.

Right.

This is the man that was so reticent about his personal life for the 5 years we spent in Illinois that the gamers at his LARP joked about him disappearing back into the internet when he left game. And suddenly he’s giving out his number to a random person he just met so they can call him when in crisis? And said crisis just so happened to coincide with him leaving the house to get gas? Sure. That sounds totally plausible.

He also brought up dating. First, claiming that I was ‘seeing’ the person I fell for in language as though we were dating. When I laughed and pointed out you have to have the other person’s consent to be dating, he laughed, bitterly, and said ‘whatever you need to do to rationalize it.’ To be honest I’m not even mad, I find it hilarious. I guess that means every time I’ve spent time with someone that I had feelings for, we were dating, regardless of how the other person felt. Every time someone with feelings for me spent time with me, we were dating, regardless of how I felt about it.

Dang, guess I’ve actually dated a lot more people than I thought!

Then… after we’d spent a couple of hours talking, and had almost concluded our conversation, he brought it up again. Would it help me if he started dating? That was his angle – would it do anything to reduce my stress if he started dating. I told him honestly that it would be a neutral to positive effect if it helped him move on and be less stressed – but that if he got to date, I got to date. (I mean, I don’t need that stress right now but no double standards.)

I don’t know where he was going with that one, because he ultimately walked it back. I told him, though, that he could process that for a couple of months and we could discuss it again later.

He also wants to file for divorce as soon as it’s possible in January. Which feels a little odd given that he was ready to kick me out of the apartment because he thought I wanted to file as soon as possible and that something must have changed if I wanted to file that quickly. (I hadn’t asked for that, and nothing had changed.) So I’m a little paranoid about why he wants the legal divorce initiated that quickly, but I didn’t feel like pressing for more information yet.

On a positive note, I got him to agree to let me send a summary of what we decided on to his messenger for future reference.

After the conversation concluded, I took myself to urgent care to get my neck checked out. Apparently the most likely cause is neck strain, which isn’t healing up the way it should due to anxiety and stress-related tension. Hooray. So I’ll need to hit CVS later with a prescription for motrin & muscle relaxers, and follow treatment recommendations for a week. If there’s improvement, great, if not I need to come back for an X-ray in one week because they can’t rule out a pinched nerve.

In the meantime, I’m supposed to discontinue my walks. That definitely makes me sad. There isn’t much decent weather left for walking before winter sets in!

I think that’s all I’ve got in me for now. Don’t feel very focused at the moment.

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