I think I may have stumbled on the answer to a mystery.
I’ve been so mystified by my husband’s behavior. The only explanation I could see being that he was having some kind mental health issue due to stress.
I was visiting M (Indy), and we were talking about a mutual acquaintance. Mutual acquaintance’s ex had been making vicious accusations that she was cheating on him, and it turned out he was the one cheating.
And a light bulb went on.
The way my husband has been treating me – insisting he trusts me while his behavior is indicating he definitely doesn’t trust me – the paranoia and insecurity.
I think he’s projecting a guilty conscience.
Everything is falling into place.
The way he secretly went to a therapist because he didn’t think I’d be threatening to leave him over sleep deprivation and a filthy home environment. He was sure there must be something else.
The way he’s been obsessing over my sexuality and making sure I’m being exclusive or celibate.
Taking our money out of our joint account and putting it in his own name – as if he thinks I might have a reason to be vindictive.
Being insanely paranoid that maybe there’s something I’m not telling him.
Freaking out and thinking I was trying to trap him by saying we should record our conversation so we had a record of it we could reference.
Why would someone be paranoid, insecure, and think someone might be vindictive or trying to trap them, if it’s not a mental breakdown?
If they have a secret they’ve been hiding, and think it might have been uncovered – a secret they believe could lead someone to retaliate.
I started chatting with A, J and M (Tennessee) about it last night. Going over his behavior and how he’d been exhibiting paranoia and insecurity before I said I would probably want a divorce, before I developed feelings for someone else, before I told him about those feelings.
How he didn’t think sleep deprivation and hoarding were the real reason I was saying I would have to leave.
How he was never like this early in our marriage.
I even checked the timeline on this blog to confirm. Yes, he revealed he’d been secretly seeing a therapist the end of April – a revelation that shook me badly at the time because I’d wondered if he’d kept that a secret from me, what else had he kept a secret? (I assured myself it was just that one thing.)
It was the beginning of July when we had our conversation where we ripped the bandaid off our relationship and took a good hard look at what we were up against, and that’s when I had admitted I’d finally fallen in love – and not with him.
The way he’s behaving is a pattern that’s played out before. Someone slips up – on purpose or in a moment of weakness – and then they become paranoid and insecure that their partner has or is engaged in the same behavior. They become accusatory. Suspicious. Hostile.
The language he’s used, that I found odd, and oddly specific. The idea (expressed on more than one occasion) that maybe I’d find myself in a compromising situation where I got carried away and things happened and how if that happened, he wanted to know.
I don’t have any evidence beyond the circumstantial evidence of his behavior.
But I feel like Occam’s Razor applies – the simplest explanation that fits the facts is most likely true.