How Do I Feel?

I still feel pretty positive that my intuition is on the right track and that at some point, my husband stepped out on me and subsequently kept it a secret.

I had no idea how to feel about that. My body physically reacted with a ton of anxiety. My guts spilled their guts, so to speak. I don’t like the idea of secrets having been kept from me.

I wasn’t angry – I didn’t feel betrayed except in the sense of being kept in the dark. I didn’t feel vengeful. My ego wasn’t experiencing it as a blow. I know what I’m worth. I don’t feel guilty. I know what I was struggling with, and how those struggles were directly tied to his myopic selfishness. I’m sure he probably struggled with feeling lonely or unwanted while I was dealing with the worst of the sleep deprivation, depression and anxiety. If he was weak, I can’t find it in me to hold it against him.

Instead I find… I feel bad for him. I remember what it’s like to have some kind of secret guilt or shame eat away at you. Christianity was great for creating that kind of sensation.

If my intuition is correct and he’s been sitting on an explosive secret, feeling guilty and defensive, wondering if he’d be found out and if he’d lose everything because of it, having it chew away at his peace of mind all this time – that has to have been fucking miserable.

If he’d accept the overture, I’d tell him I can see that something has been eating away at him. Invite him to get it off his chest. Let him know I don’t hold it against him, that I’d prefer he be able to let go and move on with his life.

I don’t think he’d accept that overture. I think he’d be too paranoid and insecure and suspect a trap.

But, when the marriage is legally behind us, I can say something then. Nothing for him to feel insecure and paranoid about any longer.

I don’t want him to be in pain, even if his own unhealthy choices caused it. I want him to find a better, healthier path – to move forward, and find happiness in his existence – happiness that doesn’t depend on having life conform to the picture he put together in his head.

So that’s how I feel.

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