Wednesday was okay. Better than Tuesday had been. About an hour more for sleep, still felt kind of anxious and sad when I woke up, but managed to knock that out with my walk. Spent my time in a similar fashion – came home, showered, ate, and then went to two more Goodwills to continue updating my wardrobe. I didn’t have as much luck, but did end up with a couple of decent button-down shirts that will be office appropriate.
After I got home from clothing shopping I pretty much skipped doing anything stressful for the rest of the day. Now that I’d stabilized my mood I just didn’t feel like doing anything that would cause anxiety to spike again.
Wednesday night into Thursday morning my uterus decided it was going to fuck with me, so I ended up awake at 2am. I took an ibuprofen and sat in the dining room for a couple of hours until I got tired enough to return to bed – luckily because this wasn’t the usual reason for waking up, I actually managed to get back to sleep, even though it wasn’t the best or most restful sleep.
This morning after getting up again I was still feeling blah so I decided I’d stick around the house instead of taking my usual morning walk. Instead I finally got around to setting up an appointment to see a gynecologist, and called our insurance to make sure the doctor I’d chosen was in-network. I also spent a lot of time digging through paperwork to find my GED and confirm which testing center I took it at, and then called about ordering a transcript – it turns out I’ll be able to order it online.
I also emailed my career adviser to inquire about getting signed up for an algebra course through the adult education center. I’ll need it for applying to the electrician’s apprenticeship program. The program requires a year of high school algebra, which I never took. Even if I had, I wouldn’t have a transcript for it, as my mom never registered us with the state during my teen years. Luckily passing the algebra course offered by the adult education center will count, and it’s free. I just need to find out how long it takes and get signed up for it.
I also sent off the application I’d finally filled out for the volunteer position I’d been interested in. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll get it. I was informed it was “competitive” and it’s pretty obvious to me from the snippets that were dropped that there’s some wealth and prestige and social status involved. I have none of that.
When I reached the portion of the application that asked how my volunteering could benefit them, I just went with an honest & blunt answer. Free labor. I don’t have connections to wealthy donors or influential people. Whatevs. Perhaps at some point I’ll find a volunteer opportunity that seems like something I’d enjoy supporting where they don’t turn up their noses at free labor that isn’t connected to wealth & power. The volunteer coordinator seemed really stressed and depressed when I spoke with her on the phone – maybe she’ll at least get a chuckle out of the answer ‘free labor.’
Having accomplished all of that anxiety-riddled adulting while feeling like crap made me decide I needed a break, so I finally sat down and started The Expanse. 2 episodes in and I am definitely hooked. I’m particularly impressed by how tense and suspenseful the show manages to be by simply including the fact that space and spacefaring are dangerous. It’s adventurous sci-fi that doesn’t seem to be going in for GoT levels of brutal violence, which is good. I’m kind of tired of shows wanting to mimic that level of ultra-violence.
I continued adulting even while watching, though, as I took the opportunity to fold and put away the pile of laundry on my bed.
After the second episode, it was getting close to the time when everyone was going to start getting home – my husband and our kids – and I started to feel depressed again, and stayed depressed for the next little while. I realized it was because we had a band performance to attend after supper, and we’d be going “as a family” while not really being that family anymore – the kids just don’t know it yet. If I think about attending functions like that on my own, or going places with the kids on my own, it doesn’t seem so bad, but this pretending we’re together even though we’re not thing that my husband and I are doing isn’t a pleasant experience.
I can’t even miss what we had. When I think about it, I feel curiously empty. I wasn’t really getting much from those years – I was just enduring. I love my children, but that love couldn’t swallow the stress and despair that came with living a dysfunctional and toxic existence. I don’t miss my marriage. I don’t miss feeling small and space-less, just an accessory to someone else’s existence.
We had supper and went to the band performance. Our son was in the first band that played but we had to stick around for the rest, too. It definitely felt weird to be sitting next to my husband, presenting as a normal family, doing a normal family activity. We’ll still be a normal family after the divorce. Divorce and co-parenting are, after all, normal. But the shape is different.
On the way home, my husband was going to stop by the nearest store and grab the Lunchables he’d promised our youngest for her field trip on Friday (today, now, I had to leave off writing last night to go to bed on time). I needed to pick up more menstrual supplies from Walmart so I said I’d just head to Walmart and get the Lunchables while I was there.
It’s not a long trip but it proved more adventurous than usual due to bad drivers and the GPS screwing up. At one point it started talking about traffic circles and I’m there thinking ‘bitch, I’m on the interstate! There are no traffic circles!’ Looking at the map after I think there was a glitch that registered me as being on a road briefly running parallel to the interstate. It’s a good thing I more or less knew where I was going without the GPS, though.
I found what I needed relatively quickly, and picked up a couple of packages of ramen cups – I know they’re not exactly a nutritional wonder but they are comfort food for me and I feel there’s still value in that comfort. As I was leaving I had the feeling I was probably forgetting something and sure enough, after arriving home I remembered paper towels, and this morning remembered epsom salt. Ah well. I’m not sure I’ve ever managed to leave Walmart with everything I needed.
Last night I decided I’d thwart my uterus in advance and took an ibuprofen before bed. It seems to have worked. I was not woken up at 2am – in fact, I slept until 5 and an extra hour of sleep feels kind of amazing.
This afternoon I should meet my new therapist. I hope that goes well and that he’s a good fit for me. I feel like I’m managing pretty well at the moment, all things considered, but it still feels like I’m inevitably fraying and I’m hoping a few weeks of therapy can at least help slow that, if not give me some energy to recover.
Sunday I’ll go hang out with H for a couple of hours, and Monday I’ll meet M and hang out for the afternoon.
I’m tired and trudging but I’m still farther along than I was.
Have another picture! I love how the branches are tiered.